Being a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but, in exchange, it teaches you the meaning of unconditional life.
Being a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever do, but, in exchange, it teaches you the meaning of unconditional life.
I am a good bit over the halfway mark now in this pregnancy (if baby decides to come when it has been estimated to arrive). Baby is doing well and growing as expected. The vomiting has mostly stopped now hurrah! I am so thankful, as it means that, this time, unlike with Miss E, I am able to feel excited about the baby inside instead of just wishing away the days until I could be done and feel well again.
I am also thankful that this time around we are able to get osteopathic treatment for my SPD so I can avoid ending up in various braces and walk without the support of crutches. It has made such a difference to my life especially with needing to care for Miss E and ensure that she can still get to see her friends weekly.
My latest issue is the fact that I am not sleeping well at all which is affecting my SVT some days. I either can’t get to sleep due to baby having a party in my womb, my legs being agitated, my brain buzzing, heartburn etc, or I get woken up by something and then I cannot get back to sleep. Exhaustion makes you do weird things like put items in cupboards that should be in the fridge or leave the oven on for hours after you have eaten what you had in there, and I have now officially banned myself from cooking rice until this baby is born as in the last week, I have burned it twice due to being so tired I’ve forgotten it’s even cooking, argh! Oh the joys of the pregnancy journey :)
I really cannot believe how fast this pregnancy and year are flying by. How did we get to April already?!?! I have so much to cram into a very short space of time, like ensuring I take Miss E on a few special days out just the two of us now I am feeling somewhat better, getting our house on the market in the next 2 weeks and sold ASAP so we can get moving before baby arrives, and there are a few things I want to make for baby as well. Time, please slow down for just a little while!
The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time. I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me. In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world. Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most. Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at. It is no laughing matter.
As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’. Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place. I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.
Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman. Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways. We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication. It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children. There must be something wrong with me, we think. Why is my body no good at nurturing life?
“We are never having any more.” The words they sting. They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good. I am no good at this thing called motherhood. I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life. If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.
I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea. I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child. I fight sickness and SVT and SPD. I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash. He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months. No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world. Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two. But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams. I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.
I cannot change my husband’s mind. I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me. I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it. All I can do is pray. Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally. Pray for affirmation of who I am. Pray for understanding. Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy. Pray for a miracle.
Dearest Angel of Mine,
Now you are a wonderful two year old. Where have those two years gone?! It has been my amazing privilege to mother you through another year of your life and watch you blossom and grow. You have brought so much delight to my life as I have watched you daily. You have continued to love reading books, music (there must always be music) and doing some sort of arty work.
I have enjoyed watching you dance and twirl to music. Thank you for inviting me to join you on so many occasions. I hope you never stop allowing music to touch you so deeply. I hope you will always feel free to just spin with joy when a piece moves your heart.
I have enjoyed our many walks together and how much you love nature and the great outdoors. Your favourite thing to do is splash in puddles. You absolutely love puddles, and I am glad I get to splash beside you.
I am so sorry that, for a few months, you really didn’t have much of a mummy as I was so ill I couldn’t deal with you. I wish those months had been different. I missed you so much and I missed being the kind of mummy you need. In that time, however, I saw a side of you that brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy as well as sadness. Sadness, for no child should have to watch their mummy suffer, and no child should have to cuddle their mummy and soothe her and stroke her back while she is being violently sick. But joy because the care and compassion you showed during those months as you stayed by me and brought me buckets to be sick in and took buckets to your daddy for him to clean is beyond what many adults would be able to muster in such a situation.
You truly are an amazing gift from above, a ray of sunshine that dances across my heart and warms the darkest of days. May you continue to go forth and shine brightly in this world, in this another year of your life and for every year you have left to live. I love you sweetheart.
Happy New Year, even though it is already 16 days old :) Every new year brings its own set of changes, joys, and challenges. This year our big change is that our family is due to expand. We found out in November that we are expecting a summer rainbow baby! We are thrilled and delighted and Miss E seems very excited about the arrival of “our baby”. So far things with the baby seem well, but, as with Miss E ,I am finding this pregnancy a challenge and taxing on my health. Thankfully this time around I have the help of a homeopath on board which I didn’t have for Miss E, and through the Candida treatment, I have been able to, for the most part, say good bye to the awful Hyperemesis and leave being sick in the first trimester. Makes me wish I’d known I had Candida troubles a long time ago as my pregnancy with Miss E may have been very different. I am, however, still having problems with my heart this time which is rather concerning.
Part way through my pregnancy with Miss E I developed Supraventricular Tachycardia or SVT causing black outs and difficulty breathing and many trips to hospital. They were unsure then whether or not I had always had an irregular heartbeat and the stress of the pregnancy had just exasperated it or whether it was because of the repeated violent vomiting due to the hyperemesis. In any case, they were adamant it would return to normal once Miss E was born, and despite us asking for a referral to a cardiologist more than 6 weeks after she was born because it was still horrendous they said it’d be fine. It never ever went back to “normal” but it became bearable. Now, however, as this pregnancy progresses it is getting worse again with each week that goes by. I have been blessed this time with a midwife who is also a cardiology nurse and has dealt with mothers with SVT in pregnancy so that helps to allay my fears that this time when it gets really bad I have someone who has more understanding! last time when I went to the GP initially about it because I was so concerned, I was told it was a UTI and prescribed antibiotics?!!?!
Anyway, I am hoping that I am blessed with good health for the remaining months of this pregnancy so I can enjoy the last little while of it being just Miss E and me before we welcome this new little one into our lives.
My Sweet Baby Girl,
The other night I went out to a Christmas craft evening. This is one of the handful of times in your 21 months that I have ever left you in an evening to go to such an event. Unfortunately, it was the same night those nasty molars decided to wake you up. You were inconsolable and Daddy wasn’t good enough for you. All you wanted was your Mummy, and she wasn’t there. I was so upset to hear you had been in such a state and in such pain when I got in that I desperately wanted to go and wake you so you would know that I was home and there for you. You woke by yourself again anyway and called for me. That was it; you were my little leech for the evening. You wouldn’t stay in your own room as you wanted to make sure I was still there. I brought you into to bed with me thinking you would sleep, but you stayed wide awake holding my hand, touching my face, laying your head on mine and making sure that if I moved even an inch it wasn’t to leave you.
It was so sad, and poignant as well, because there will be a day when Mama won’t be there with you. There will be a day when you have to go this life on your own without my comfort and without my support. I wish I could be with you always to soothe away life’s pain and troubles. I wish that every time you reach out your hand for mine you would feel mine clasp yours tightly in return. I wish you could always here the words, “shh now, I’m here it’s ok.” I am sorry that one day I will have to go and leave you with a mother’s comforting embrace to blaze your trail in this world. And I am sorry that on a night when you did need me and I am still with you that I wasn’t there.
All my love to you my sweet girl.
Since my last post, I have done an Usborne book party which was great fun. I love looking at all the books on display; it makes my heart happy.
Sad I know, but there is nothing that satisfies a book worm more than a table full of gorgeous books!
We have also spent a lot of time viewing houses, having people here to look at different options for selling our house. The viewing side of things has been a discouraging process as on paper they look great and then you go and it just isn’t as you expected or hoped. On the plus the selling side is encouraging, so, yey, things could be moving on in that area. We need to get some storage sorted and start shifting the non essentials out of the house and then at least when we do sell we won’t have loads of packing up to do which should speed things up.
And on Sunday we added a new member to our family:
I have cared for this family’s pets a few times now and the last time I cared for the rabbit and cats, Miss E fell in love. The owner felt that as her children were not giving him the attention he deserved he would be better off in a home where he was loved. So, on Sunday we finally brought him home after ensuring he had a nice, large, secure run so the dogs wouldn’t get to him. He has brought no end of joy and laughter every morning and evening as we spend lots of time with him giving cuddles. We bought him this jingly ball for rabbits at the pet shop and Miss E laughs hysterically when she rolls it to him and he picks it up and flings it back. This morning’s trip down was not so fun, however, as it was pouring with rain. The rabbit stayed nice and warm in his hutch, and Miss E and I returned to the house soaked through.
This weekend I have a stall at a Christmas Fair. That is slightly nerve wrecking. I keep wondering if I have enough stock, or enough of the right stock? What if no one buys? What if too many people are lined up to buy and I can’t cope? What if I miscalculate the change? Ah so many what ifs! I am very excited though. I love the books…I just wish i could buy the whole catalogue for myself ;)
But that has been our week so far, and next week looks to be just as busy.
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