Dearest Angel of Mine,
Now you are a wonderful two year old. Where have those two years gone?! It has been my amazing privilege to mother you through another year of your life and watch you blossom and grow. You have brought so much delight to my life as I have watched you daily. You have continued to love reading books, music (there must always be music) and doing some sort of arty work.
I have enjoyed watching you dance and twirl to music. Thank you for inviting me to join you on so many occasions. I hope you never stop allowing music to touch you so deeply. I hope you will always feel free to just spin with joy when a piece moves your heart.
I have enjoyed our many walks together and how much you love nature and the great outdoors. Your favourite thing to do is splash in puddles. You absolutely love puddles, and I am glad I get to splash beside you.
I am so sorry that, for a few months, you really didn’t have much of a mummy as I was so ill I couldn’t deal with you. I wish those months had been different. I missed you so much and I missed being the kind of mummy you need. In that time, however, I saw a side of you that brought tears to my eyes. Tears of joy as well as sadness. Sadness, for no child should have to watch their mummy suffer, and no child should have to cuddle their mummy and soothe her and stroke her back while she is being violently sick. But joy because the care and compassion you showed during those months as you stayed by me and brought me buckets to be sick in and took buckets to your daddy for him to clean is beyond what many adults would be able to muster in such a situation.
You truly are an amazing gift from above, a ray of sunshine that dances across my heart and warms the darkest of days. May you continue to go forth and shine brightly in this world, in this another year of your life and for every year you have left to live. I love you sweetheart.
Happy New Year, even though it is already 16 days old Every new year brings its own set of changes, joys, and challenges. This year our big change is that our family is due to expand. We found out in November that we are expecting a summer rainbow baby! We are thrilled and delighted and Miss E seems very excited about the arrival of “our baby”. So far things with the baby seem well, but, as with Miss E ,I am finding this pregnancy a challenge and taxing on my health. Thankfully this time around I have the help of a homeopath on board which I didn’t have for Miss E, and through the Candida treatment, I have been able to, for the most part, say good bye to the awful Hyperemesis and leave being sick in the first trimester. Makes me wish I’d known I had Candida troubles a long time ago as my pregnancy with Miss E may have been very different. I am, however, still having problems with my heart this time which is rather concerning.
Part way through my pregnancy with Miss E I developed Supraventricular Tachycardia or SVT causing black outs and difficulty breathing and many trips to hospital. They were unsure then whether or not I had always had an irregular heartbeat and the stress of the pregnancy had just exasperated it or whether it was because of the repeated violent vomiting due to the hyperemesis. In any case, they were adamant it would return to normal once Miss E was born, and despite us asking for a referral to a cardiologist more than 6 weeks after she was born because it was still horrendous they said it’d be fine. It never ever went back to “normal” but it became bearable. Now, however, as this pregnancy progresses it is getting worse again with each week that goes by. I have been blessed this time with a midwife who is also a cardiology nurse and has dealt with mothers with SVT in pregnancy so that helps to allay my fears that this time when it gets really bad I have someone who has more understanding! last time when I went to the GP initially about it because I was so concerned, I was told it was a UTI and prescribed antibiotics?!!?!
Anyway, I am hoping that I am blessed with good health for the remaining months of this pregnancy so I can enjoy the last little while of it being just Miss E and me before we welcome this new little one into our lives.
My Sweet Baby Girl,
The other night I went out to a Christmas craft evening. This is one of the handful of times in your 21 months that I have ever left you in an evening to go to such an event. Unfortunately, it was the same night those nasty molars decided to wake you up. You were inconsolable and Daddy wasn’t good enough for you. All you wanted was your Mummy, and she wasn’t there. I was so upset to hear you had been in such a state and in such pain when I got in that I desperately wanted to go and wake you so you would know that I was home and there for you. You woke by yourself again anyway and called for me. That was it; you were my little leech for the evening. You wouldn’t stay in your own room as you wanted to make sure I was still there. I brought you into to bed with me thinking you would sleep, but you stayed wide awake holding my hand, touching my face, laying your head on mine and making sure that if I moved even an inch it wasn’t to leave you.
It was so sad, and poignant as well, because there will be a day when Mama won’t be there with you. There will be a day when you have to go this life on your own without my comfort and without my support. I wish I could be with you always to soothe away life’s pain and troubles. I wish that every time you reach out your hand for mine you would feel mine clasp yours tightly in return. I wish you could always here the words, “shh now, I’m here it’s ok.” I am sorry that one day I will have to go and leave you with a mother’s comforting embrace to blaze your trail in this world. And I am sorry that on a night when you did need me and I am still with you that I wasn’t there.
All my love to you my sweet girl.
Since my last post, I have done an Usborne book party which was great fun. I love looking at all the books on display; it makes my heart happy.
Sad I know, but there is nothing that satisfies a book worm more than a table full of gorgeous books!
We have also spent a lot of time viewing houses, having people here to look at different options for selling our house. The viewing side of things has been a discouraging process as on paper they look great and then you go and it just isn’t as you expected or hoped. On the plus the selling side is encouraging, so, yey, things could be moving on in that area. We need to get some storage sorted and start shifting the non essentials out of the house and then at least when we do sell we won’t have loads of packing up to do which should speed things up.
And on Sunday we added a new member to our family:
I have cared for this family’s pets a few times now and the last time I cared for the rabbit and cats, Miss E fell in love. The owner felt that as her children were not giving him the attention he deserved he would be better off in a home where he was loved. So, on Sunday we finally brought him home after ensuring he had a nice, large, secure run so the dogs wouldn’t get to him. He has brought no end of joy and laughter every morning and evening as we spend lots of time with him giving cuddles. We bought him this jingly ball for rabbits at the pet shop and Miss E laughs hysterically when she rolls it to him and he picks it up and flings it back. This morning’s trip down was not so fun, however, as it was pouring with rain. The rabbit stayed nice and warm in his hutch, and Miss E and I returned to the house soaked through.
This weekend I have a stall at a Christmas Fair. That is slightly nerve wrecking. I keep wondering if I have enough stock, or enough of the right stock? What if no one buys? What if too many people are lined up to buy and I can’t cope? What if I miscalculate the change? Ah so many what ifs! I am very excited though. I love the books…I just wish i could buy the whole catalogue for myself
But that has been our week so far, and next week looks to be just as busy.
I am struggling to write, struggling to un-jumble my tangled web of thoughts. Life has been so crazy hard the past few months. I talked about our issue with rats and our desire to relocate for various reasons. Our lives have taken various twists and turns since then with regards to finding homes that looked promising to move to and then it all falling through…repeatedly. It starts to get to you after a while. I am beginning to feel trapped in an endless cycle of problems, expense and despair. Our rodent friends have also returned to bother us, with yet another one getting underneath our bath. Argh!! And we have had a few issues with our two dogs that may mean we need to find them a new home. At the minute it is hard to see where God is in all of this, but I have to keep trusting that He is, because if I lost that hope and that faith I would lose my mind entirely.
So all of that has just kept my mind from focusing and my fingers from typing. I will try and do better though as we wait in this current place we find ourselves. I have missed my blog so much.
Onto some positives:
Miss E is now speaking a bit of French and German. She loves it. She cannot get enough of books and stories in foreign languages, so I have had to ask my friend in Germany to send me some over. Her interest was sparked at the Montessori group we are part of as the session starts with songs and stories in French and ends with songs and stories in German. It is lovely to see her enjoy it so much. She loves all things Montessori. We should be at our session today, but sadly we are missing out as I am sick with the flu.
I have started a new business venture with Usborne Books at Home and have become an Independent Usborne Organiser. They have some many fantastic books covering a wide age range and many topics, so I just had to become an Organiser. I have lots of events on in the run up to Christmas which is very exciting. I am looking forward to sharing the wonderful books with more people and hopefully making some friends along the way. So, if you are living anywhere in the UK or Europe check out my website where you can shop online. If you aren’t in the UK or Europe, you can still show some love by liking us on Facebook or following us on Twitter. I hope life finds you all well.
It’s been 6 months; 6 whole months. Shouldn’t it get easier? Yet, somehow this month is even more painful. My body feels empty. I should be watching it grow and change, but instead there is nothing but emptiness and longing. Month after month goes by and no new life has come to soothe the heartache, to put a salve on the wounds by bringing a new joy to our life.
Our family is incomplete. People ask of me, “Is this your only child?”, referring to Miss E. I respond with a yes, because it would be too much for me to tell them that no, there is an angel in heaven that belongs to our family whom we never had the chance to meet properly. But people would never understand, for I get the impression that unless a life has fully entered the world it is considered a sub-life and, therefore, my loss shouldn’t be as great or as painful as if I had laid eyes on this child and then it were to leave me. But a mother doesn’t need to see the child to feel the love. The knowing that she carried that soul for however brief a period is enough to fuel a love so strong that even time doesn’t diminish its intensity.
Time marches on, life keeps going and I keep moving along with it, but the passing of time cannot make a mother’s heart forget, and today the memory and the loss is exceptionally raw and painful.
The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.