My Sweet Baby Girl,
The other night I went out to a Christmas craft evening. This is one of the handful of times in your 21 months that I have ever left you in an evening to go to such an event. Unfortunately, it was the same night those nasty molars decided to wake you up. You were inconsolable and Daddy wasn’t good enough for you. All you wanted was your Mummy, and she wasn’t there. I was so upset to hear you had been in such a state and in such pain when I got in that I desperately wanted to go and wake you so you would know that I was home and there for you. You woke by yourself again anyway and called for me. That was it; you were my little leech for the evening. You wouldn’t stay in your own room as you wanted to make sure I was still there. I brought you into to bed with me thinking you would sleep, but you stayed wide awake holding my hand, touching my face, laying your head on mine and making sure that if I moved even an inch it wasn’t to leave you.
It was so sad, and poignant as well, because there will be a day when Mama won’t be there with you. There will be a day when you have to go this life on your own without my comfort and without my support. I wish I could be with you always to soothe away life’s pain and troubles. I wish that every time you reach out your hand for mine you would feel mine clasp yours tightly in return. I wish you could always here the words, “shh now, I’m here it’s ok.” I am sorry that one day I will have to go and leave you with a mother’s comforting embrace to blaze your trail in this world. And I am sorry that on a night when you did need me and I am still with you that I wasn’t there.
All my love to you my sweet girl.
Since my last post, I have done an Usborne book party which was great fun. I love looking at all the books on display; it makes my heart happy.
Sad I know, but there is nothing that satisfies a book worm more than a table full of gorgeous books!
We have also spent a lot of time viewing houses, having people here to look at different options for selling our house. The viewing side of things has been a discouraging process as on paper they look great and then you go and it just isn’t as you expected or hoped. On the plus the selling side is encouraging, so, yey, things could be moving on in that area. We need to get some storage sorted and start shifting the non essentials out of the house and then at least when we do sell we won’t have loads of packing up to do which should speed things up.
And on Sunday we added a new member to our family:
I have cared for this family’s pets a few times now and the last time I cared for the rabbit and cats, Miss E fell in love. The owner felt that as her children were not giving him the attention he deserved he would be better off in a home where he was loved. So, on Sunday we finally brought him home after ensuring he had a nice, large, secure run so the dogs wouldn’t get to him. He has brought no end of joy and laughter every morning and evening as we spend lots of time with him giving cuddles. We bought him this jingly ball for rabbits at the pet shop and Miss E laughs hysterically when she rolls it to him and he picks it up and flings it back. This morning’s trip down was not so fun, however, as it was pouring with rain. The rabbit stayed nice and warm in his hutch, and Miss E and I returned to the house soaked through.
This weekend I have a stall at a Christmas Fair. That is slightly nerve wrecking. I keep wondering if I have enough stock, or enough of the right stock? What if no one buys? What if too many people are lined up to buy and I can’t cope? What if I miscalculate the change? Ah so many what ifs! I am very excited though. I love the books…I just wish i could buy the whole catalogue for myself
But that has been our week so far, and next week looks to be just as busy.
I am struggling to write, struggling to un-jumble my tangled web of thoughts. Life has been so crazy hard the past few months. I talked about our issue with rats and our desire to relocate for various reasons. Our lives have taken various twists and turns since then with regards to finding homes that looked promising to move to and then it all falling through…repeatedly. It starts to get to you after a while. I am beginning to feel trapped in an endless cycle of problems, expense and despair. Our rodent friends have also returned to bother us, with yet another one getting underneath our bath. Argh!! And we have had a few issues with our two dogs that may mean we need to find them a new home. At the minute it is hard to see where God is in all of this, but I have to keep trusting that He is, because if I lost that hope and that faith I would lose my mind entirely.
So all of that has just kept my mind from focusing and my fingers from typing. I will try and do better though as we wait in this current place we find ourselves. I have missed my blog so much.
Onto some positives:
Miss E is now speaking a bit of French and German. She loves it. She cannot get enough of books and stories in foreign languages, so I have had to ask my friend in Germany to send me some over. Her interest was sparked at the Montessori group we are part of as the session starts with songs and stories in French and ends with songs and stories in German. It is lovely to see her enjoy it so much. She loves all things Montessori. We should be at our session today, but sadly we are missing out as I am sick with the flu.
I have started a new business venture with Usborne Books at Home and have become an Independent Usborne Organiser. They have some many fantastic books covering a wide age range and many topics, so I just had to become an Organiser. I have lots of events on in the run up to Christmas which is very exciting. I am looking forward to sharing the wonderful books with more people and hopefully making some friends along the way. So, if you are living anywhere in the UK or Europe check out my website where you can shop online. If you aren’t in the UK or Europe, you can still show some love by liking us on Facebook or following us on Twitter. I hope life finds you all well.
It’s been 6 months; 6 whole months. Shouldn’t it get easier? Yet, somehow this month is even more painful. My body feels empty. I should be watching it grow and change, but instead there is nothing but emptiness and longing. Month after month goes by and no new life has come to soothe the heartache, to put a salve on the wounds by bringing a new joy to our life.
Our family is incomplete. People ask of me, “Is this your only child?”, referring to Miss E. I respond with a yes, because it would be too much for me to tell them that no, there is an angel in heaven that belongs to our family whom we never had the chance to meet properly. But people would never understand, for I get the impression that unless a life has fully entered the world it is considered a sub-life and, therefore, my loss shouldn’t be as great or as painful as if I had laid eyes on this child and then it were to leave me. But a mother doesn’t need to see the child to feel the love. The knowing that she carried that soul for however brief a period is enough to fuel a love so strong that even time doesn’t diminish its intensity.
Time marches on, life keeps going and I keep moving along with it, but the passing of time cannot make a mother’s heart forget, and today the memory and the loss is exceptionally raw and painful.
The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.
The child’s parents are not his makers, but his guardians.
At the end of August I ordered the very first My Little Workshop from Woodland Children. They do a My Little Atelier box for older children, but decided to see if there was any interest in one for younger children. I always want to do crafty seasonal activities with Miss E, but I just never get the time to sit and plan, purchase all the materials etc. So the My Little Workshop sounded like a great idea. You get all the materials needed(when i say all i mean all, if something requires a paintbrush or glue and a spreader you get it in the box) along with a little booklet of activities to make and other suggestions to do as well. There were also some added extras including play dough and water beads which I have always wanted to try, and now we get the chance to use them. It was a little bit slow of coming due to waiting for stock to arrive etc, but it finally arrived a few weeks ago.
nice little extra touches
supplies for lots of lovely crafts
Here are some of the crafts we have done so far:
sponge leaf printing
leaf sun catchers
felt leaf sticker
These are just a few things that came in the box, and we still have so much left to do. The whole thing cost £30 which seeing as we’ve had it a few weeks and there are still so many activities we haven’t even got to yet is well worth the money. If you live in the UK and, like me, want to do crafts with your toddlers, but find it hard to put ideas together, I’d encourage you to give the My Little Workshop box a try.
*This is my own opinion and I am receiving no form of reward for writing this. I paid for this box myself, and Woodland Children are unaware that I have written this piece.*