It’s Been a Long Time Coming!

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Well, I have waited nearly 4 years for this day to arrive, and it is finally here.  Our house is on the market!!  I am so excited that we have arrived at that point, and also slightly nervous.  Will we get any viewings?Will our house sell?  When will it sell?  So many unknowns!  Praise God, he knows the answers to them all.

This isn’t the way we had planned this.  Our deadline had always been to have the house on the market by April and not be spending another summer here, but we didn’t factor in that I would be pregnant and sick again for a lot of the time we have had to get the house ready for selling.  Nor did we think we would have to be finding a new home and moving in the third trimester of a pregnancy, but a simple life would be a boring life, right?!  :)  So, here we are, with a few short weeks left to sell a house, find a house, buy a house, move house, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax before this baby makes an entry to the world :)

I am really looking forward to our new start wherever that may take us and our new family life as this rainbow baby comes to join us.

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Messy

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One thing I am learning and becoming all too aware of as my daughter grows is that motherhood is messy.  It’s messy in a literal, physical sense where there are always sticky hand prints around, or toys in the wrong places, or mud trekked in through the house via the soles of little shoes.  I am ok with that side of messy.  Yeah, I have to clean up the same thing a gazillion times, but still, I can cope with that.

There’s the other side of motherhood that’s messy though and not so easily cleaned up-the emotional side.  Ever get those days when everyone just falls apart?  Voices rise, tears fall, harsh words come gushing out, doors slam.  The mess is nasty, and hard to sort through.  It puts cracks in relationships, builds barriers and everything is stressful.

We have had so many of these messy days lately.  Developmental changes have brought new challenges for both of us as we try and figure out how to live harmoniously with each other, with our needs and our personalities.  Miss E has been fashioned by God’s good hand into a very independent and strong character.  All the qualities that are such a difficulty for me right now as her mother, will, one day, stand her in good stead as she ventures off into the world alone.  But it’s getting from here to that point that is proving difficult.  It’s a fine balancing act and a skilled dance as we figure this whole thing out together, and often we get it all wrong.  We fail to understand each other.  We fail to communicate with each other in loving ways.  We fail to choose loving reactions.  Yesterday was one such messy day.

On these messy days, I am thankful for two gifts:  GRACE.  Grace to try again.  Grace to start anew.  Grace to change.   Rich, abundant grace.  Where would we be without it?  NATURE.  Our happy place.  A therapy for the soul.  A place we can go together to ease the stresses and rediscover our way on this journey.  There is colour therapy given via the flowers and the greenery, music therapy from bird song, the wind, water passing by, raindrops falling.  There is peace, time to reflect, time to reconnect.  Grace and nature: our balm to soothe away the strife.  How do you cope with the messy days of parenting?  How do you reconnect with your child?IMAG0604

Growing Nicely

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I am a good bit over the halfway mark now in this pregnancy (if baby decides to come when it has been estimated to arrive).  Baby is doing well and growing as expected.  The vomiting has mostly stopped now hurrah!   I am so thankful, as it means that, this time, unlike with Miss E, I am able to feel excited about the baby inside instead of just wishing away the days until I could be done and feel well again.

I am also thankful that this time around we are able to get osteopathic treatment for my SPD so I can avoid ending up in various braces and walk without the support of crutches.   It has made such a difference to my life especially with needing to care for Miss E and ensure that she can still get to see her friends weekly.

My latest issue is the fact that I am not sleeping well at all which is affecting my SVT some days.  I either can’t get to sleep due to baby having a party in my womb, my legs being agitated, my brain buzzing, heartburn etc, or I get woken up by something and then I cannot get back to sleep.  Exhaustion makes you do weird things like put items in cupboards that should be in the fridge or leave the oven on for hours after you have eaten what you had in there, and I have now officially banned myself from cooking rice until this baby is born as in the last week, I have burned it twice due to being so tired I’ve forgotten it’s even cooking, argh!  Oh the joys of the pregnancy journey :)

I really cannot believe how fast this pregnancy and year are flying by.  How did we get to April already?!?!  I have so much to cram into a very short space of time, like ensuring I take Miss E on a few special days out just the two of us now I am feeling somewhat better, getting our house on the market in the next 2 weeks and sold ASAP so we can get moving before baby arrives, and there are a few things I want to make for baby as well.  Time, please slow down for just a little while!

We Are Never Having Any More

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The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time.  I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me.  In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world.  Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most.  Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at.  It is no laughing matter.

As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’.  Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place.  I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.

Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman.  Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways.  We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication.  It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children.  There must be something wrong with me, we think.  Why is my body no good at nurturing life?

“We are never having any more.”  The words they sting.  They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good.  I am no good at this thing called motherhood.  I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life.  If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.

I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea.  I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child.  I fight sickness and SVT and SPD.  I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash.  He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months.   No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world.  Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two.  But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams.  I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.

I cannot change my husband’s mind.  I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me.  I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it.  All I can do is pray.  Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally.  Pray for affirmation of who I am.  Pray for understanding.  Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy.  Pray for a miracle.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

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Dearest Angel of Mine,

Now you are a wonderful two year old.  Where have those two years gone?!  It has been my amazing privilege to mother you through another year of your life and watch you blossom and grow.  You have brought so much delight to my life as I have watched you daily.  You have continued to love reading books, music (there must always be music) and doing some sort of arty work.

I have enjoyed watching you dance and twirl to music.  Thank you for inviting me to join you on so many occasions.  I hope you never stop allowing music to touch you so deeply.  I hope you will always feel free to just spin with joy when a piece moves your heart.

I have enjoyed our many walks together and how much you love nature and the great outdoors.  Your favourite thing to do is splash in puddles.  You absolutely love puddles, and I am glad I get to splash beside you.

I am so sorry that, for a few months, you really didn’t have much of a mummy as I was so ill I couldn’t deal with you.  I wish those months had been different.  I missed you so much and I missed being the kind of mummy you need.  In that time, however, I saw a side of you that brought tears to my eyes.  Tears of joy as well as sadness.  Sadness, for no child should have to watch their mummy suffer, and no child should have to cuddle their mummy and soothe her and stroke her back while she is being violently sick.  But joy because the care and compassion you showed during those months as you stayed by me and brought me buckets to be sick in and took buckets to your daddy for him to clean is beyond what many adults would be able to muster in such a situation.

You truly are an amazing gift from above, a ray of sunshine that dances across my heart and warms the darkest of days.  May you continue to go forth and shine brightly in this world, in this another year of your life and for every year you have left to live.  I love you sweetheart.

Mummy xxx