It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. My husband’s had a few days off work, so we’ve been enjoying some family time which has been wonderful. Last time I blogged I was saying how difficult a day I had had my with my little one, and I was ridiculously frustrated and stressed out. The rest of the week followed pretty much the same pattern. God chose not to change my circumstances, and I discovered some things about myself that I didn’t really like and I wish hadn’t been brought to my attention. However, I needed to see the ugliness for what it was and make changes.
Mainly I discovered how very, very selfish I am. I have my plan for the day, and I don’t take well to having my plans disrupted for the needs of someone else. I guess I’ve never liked my plans being disrupted or changing them, but before children these times of “inconvenience” are less frequent so the irritation felt by having to change plans is easier dealt with. Motherhood requires sacrifices; sacrifices of time and energy. I knew all this in theory, but try asking me to put it into practice and I started seeing the ugliness of what was really in my heart. I want to hang the laundry out, my child is screaming and wanting to be held. I want to eat, but my child is crying and needing fed. All these scenarios and more crop up quite regularly these days. I realised that I was responding to my child, but not with the right attitude. I always had one eye on my ever increasing to-do list and was starting to build up resentment in my heart towards the fact that I never seemed to get round to my very “important” tasks.
God has kindly rebuked me, and I know I need to willingly sacrifice my desires for my child. Right now she is totally dependant on me, but it’s only a phase, one day she’ll be gone from my arms, and it won’t matter one bit then that I didn’t get the vacuuming done when I felt it should be done, or that maybe I had to gobble my lunch down as she needed comforting. What will matter then is the time I put into her, and I don’t want to get to that day and live with regrets that I felt annoyed that she “disrupted” my schedule nor that I didn’t take the time to truly meet her needs and nurture her as she deserved due to my own selfishness.
I will have all the time in the world to do the housework or whatever else it is that currently I deem important when she’s left home, but these days with her will never return, so I need to be willing to JOYFULLY sacrifice my time and my energies for her for this brief period. In the grand scheme of things it’s really not a lot to ask, and my child can go into the world knowing that she is loved, never having to doubt that she has my full support or thinking that she was less important to me than all the trivial matters of life.
So, the next time I find myself in a situation where I’m starting into one of my tasks and my daughter needs me, I will try to remember this lesson learned and happily leave whatever it is to attend to her. My tasks will wait another day, but my daughter won’t. The time to build a lifelong bond with her is now; we’re only assured of the day we have been given, and I want her to know without a doubt the value I place on her little life.