Life has been particularly stressful over the past few weeks. There have been plenty of incidents within the family to cause steam to come out of the stress’n’worry-o-meter as it blows its top. From miscarriages(not me personally)to loads of ill relatives being rushed into hospital and wondering how long they are still going to be with us. Today, my dad is having an extremely risky heart procedure done, which comes with a whole new level of stress and worry. Add on top of that the fact that teethy, high needs baby is refusing to sleep, refusing any sort of sustenance that is not mummy milk, refusing anyONE that is not mummy and there we have a complete recipe for disaster. Me: worn out, worried, stressed, uptight, frustrated, and in a very low mood = Baby: worn out, stressed, uptight, frustrated, grouchy, shouting, teary. And round we go on a endless downward spiral, the two of us, feeding off of each other and escalating this situation at break neck speed. I try to do nice things for her, for instance, yesterday we went to the park to play on the swings as she loved her first experience of it, but,of course, yesterday swings were not what she wanted and she let me know big time. So, I end up taking it personally and getting really cross and falling out with a 9 month old because she doesn’t appreciate the nice things I’m trying to incorporate into her day. The rational part of my brain knows it’s pointless falling out with a 9 month old who doesn’t understand, but, hey, that part isn’t in control right now! Add to this, 2 hyperactive dogs who seem to know just when to stir up trouble, and long hours of being just the two of us (or 4 counting the dogs) as my husband has such long commutes to and from work, and every day has just been getting a little worse and a little worse. I feel like I’m on some awful high speed carousel ride that’s spinning round and round with no one at the controls to press the stop button to let me get off and shake this dizzy, nauseated feeling. I want to take this dear child and hand her over to someone else who I imagine is more capable of caring for her than I am. I want to hand in my resignation letter, except I have no one to hand it in to! So, we are at a stale mate, she and I,on the battlefield that is strewn with angry feelings, mistrust, confusion, frustration, disillusionment, worry, stress, fear. Where do we go from here? How do we get off this crazy ride and start again? Can we get off this crazy ride to start again, even? How do we repair the damage done? How do we rebuild that which has been ruined? There is no one to press the stop button on this ride, no one, but me. I started the ride, and I must choose to press the button. I must make the decision to stop this downward spiral before any more damage is done. For her sake, for my sake, for my husband’s sake, for everyone’s sake. But I have no strength left with which to do it on my own. I’ve been carrying on in my own strength and look where that’s got me. So what do I do? The only thing I can do and the only thing that will help………….PRAY.
Lord, I’m choosing to press the stop button on this crazy ride of life. I’m choosing to stop trying to do it alone. I’m choosing to admit that I cannot go on without Your help. I need Your grace, Your strength, Your rest. I invite You to come now and help us restore our relationship, to bring peace to our hearts and minds, to start loving again as we should love. And, Lord, please, now that I am choosing to press stop on this downward messy sipiral, keep me away from the start button!! Amen