Hello And Good Bye

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Dear One Who Was Never Meant To Be,

Today we said hello and good bye all in one breath.  I had already said hello to you some time ago.  I think sometimes a mummy just knows without any tests that there’s new life within.  It was the same with your sister, and it was the same with you.  I never got to the joy of seeing two lines appear on a test to confirm.  On Saturday I knew something wasn’t right inside.  I went for my homeopathic treatment which seemed to make it all worse(I regret ever going, I wish I had let Daddy cancel it.  Maybe you would still be alive?  I don’t know.  I will never know this side of heaven).  From Sunday on, the pain and bleeding have been excrutiating and progressively worse.  Last night I knew there was some horribly wrong with all this, and this morning it was decided that I should go see the Dr.  We went and after examinations and a brief history of the happenings the hospital was called.  They thought at first that it was possibly an ectopic pregnancy, but all tests came back negative, so they have told me that you existed but died and what I am suffering is a miscarriage.  I knew already somewhere, somehow, I knew, but hearing the words out loud hurt.  Why could it not have had some other cause and reason?  But no, miscarriage is the diagnosis.  You weren’t very old, but it still hurts.  It hurts that I will never feel you growing and moving inside.  It hurts that I will never feel the joy and immense love that comes with seeing your face for the first time.  It all hurts, physically, emotionally, mentally.  All I am left with is pain.  You may only have been tiny, and to a lot of people at this stage they may think you didn’t really matter, that you are insignificant, just a lump of tissue.  But you matter to me, you are significant to me, you are loved by me.

I take comfort in the fact that you are in heaven, you will never experience pain, hurt, sickness, anger, fear.  You will never shed a tear.  I know you will love it there, and I know one day we will meet.  I look forward to that day, but I will miss you while I live here, Dear Child That Was Never Meant To Be.  I will wonder at what you would have been.  Life will carry on, and I will move on, but a part of me will forever be in heaven with you.  I love you and I never had the chance to meet you.  I will savour these moments with you as you leave me however painfilled and horrible they are; they are what we have together as mother and child; all that we have been afforded for now.

On Mother’s Day, this Sunday, I will be thankful for your sister and for her making me a Mummy, but I will also be thankful for the brief time we had together, and mourn the times we will not spend together here on earth.  Good bye my Angel Baby.

 

Mummy xxx

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