Category Archives: pregnancy

posts about my experience of pregnancy

It’s Been a Long Time Coming!

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Well, I have waited nearly 4 years for this day to arrive, and it is finally here.  Our house is on the market!!  I am so excited that we have arrived at that point, and also slightly nervous.  Will we get any viewings?Will our house sell?  When will it sell?  So many unknowns!  Praise God, he knows the answers to them all.

This isn’t the way we had planned this.  Our deadline had always been to have the house on the market by April and not be spending another summer here, but we didn’t factor in that I would be pregnant and sick again for a lot of the time we have had to get the house ready for selling.  Nor did we think we would have to be finding a new home and moving in the third trimester of a pregnancy, but a simple life would be a boring life, right?!  🙂  So, here we are, with a few short weeks left to sell a house, find a house, buy a house, move house, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax before this baby makes an entry to the world 🙂

I am really looking forward to our new start wherever that may take us and our new family life as this rainbow baby comes to join us.

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Growing Nicely

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I am a good bit over the halfway mark now in this pregnancy (if baby decides to come when it has been estimated to arrive).  Baby is doing well and growing as expected.  The vomiting has mostly stopped now hurrah!   I am so thankful, as it means that, this time, unlike with Miss E, I am able to feel excited about the baby inside instead of just wishing away the days until I could be done and feel well again.

I am also thankful that this time around we are able to get osteopathic treatment for my SPD so I can avoid ending up in various braces and walk without the support of crutches.   It has made such a difference to my life especially with needing to care for Miss E and ensure that she can still get to see her friends weekly.

My latest issue is the fact that I am not sleeping well at all which is affecting my SVT some days.  I either can’t get to sleep due to baby having a party in my womb, my legs being agitated, my brain buzzing, heartburn etc, or I get woken up by something and then I cannot get back to sleep.  Exhaustion makes you do weird things like put items in cupboards that should be in the fridge or leave the oven on for hours after you have eaten what you had in there, and I have now officially banned myself from cooking rice until this baby is born as in the last week, I have burned it twice due to being so tired I’ve forgotten it’s even cooking, argh!  Oh the joys of the pregnancy journey 🙂

I really cannot believe how fast this pregnancy and year are flying by.  How did we get to April already?!?!  I have so much to cram into a very short space of time, like ensuring I take Miss E on a few special days out just the two of us now I am feeling somewhat better, getting our house on the market in the next 2 weeks and sold ASAP so we can get moving before baby arrives, and there are a few things I want to make for baby as well.  Time, please slow down for just a little while!

We Are Never Having Any More

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The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time.  I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me.  In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world.  Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most.  Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at.  It is no laughing matter.

As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’.  Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place.  I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.

Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman.  Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways.  We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication.  It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children.  There must be something wrong with me, we think.  Why is my body no good at nurturing life?

“We are never having any more.”  The words they sting.  They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good.  I am no good at this thing called motherhood.  I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life.  If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.

I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea.  I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child.  I fight sickness and SVT and SPD.  I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash.  He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months.   No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world.  Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two.  But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams.  I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.

I cannot change my husband’s mind.  I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me.  I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it.  All I can do is pray.  Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally.  Pray for affirmation of who I am.  Pray for understanding.  Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy.  Pray for a miracle.

Rainbows

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Happy New Year, even though it is already 16 days old 🙂  Every new year brings its own set of changes, joys, and challenges.  This year our big change is that our family is due to expand.  We found out in November that we are expecting a summer rainbow baby!  We are thrilled and delighted and Miss E seems very excited about the arrival of “our baby”.  So far things with the baby seem well, but, as with Miss E ,I am finding this pregnancy a challenge and taxing on my health.  Thankfully this time around I have the help of a homeopath on board which I didn’t have for Miss E, and through the Candida treatment, I have been able to, for the most part, say good bye to the awful Hyperemesis and leave being sick in the first trimester.  Makes me wish I’d known I had Candida troubles a long time ago as my pregnancy with Miss E may have been very different.  I am, however, still having problems with my heart this time which is rather concerning.

Part way through my pregnancy with Miss E I developed Supraventricular Tachycardia or SVT causing black outs and difficulty breathing and many trips to hospital.  They were unsure then whether or not I had always had an irregular heartbeat and the stress of the pregnancy had just exasperated it or whether it was because of the repeated violent vomiting due to the hyperemesis.  In any case, they were adamant it would return to normal once Miss E was born, and despite us asking for a referral to a cardiologist more than 6 weeks after she was born because it was still horrendous they said it’d be fine.  It never ever went back to “normal” but it became bearable.  Now, however, as this pregnancy progresses it is getting worse again with each week that goes by.  I have been blessed this time with a midwife who is also a cardiology nurse and has dealt with mothers with SVT in pregnancy so that helps to allay my fears that this time when it gets really bad I have someone who has more understanding!  last time when I went to the GP initially about it because I was so concerned, I was told it was a UTI and prescribed antibiotics?!!?!

Anyway, I am hoping that I am blessed with good health for the remaining months of this pregnancy so I can enjoy the last little while of it being just Miss E and me before we welcome this new little one into our lives.

Happy Birthday Angel

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Dearest Firstborn,

Monday was your birthday.  You are now one.  Where has the time gone?  It feels like I have just blinked and you’ve gone from dependant newborn to emerging  independent individual.  You have accomplished so much in your 12 months.  You have gone from an extremely high needs baby to one that’s learned with our support to be happy without constant contact for small amounts of time.  We never pushed you to be anything other than what you were.  When you needed us we were there and we still are.  I was there to nurse and rock you to sleep and Daddy would help rock you to sleep if you woke up until the day you let us know you were happy to go to bed and fall asleep by yourself.  Every night I kiss you goodnight and walk over to turn the light off, I look at you watching me peacefully and I know we’ve come so far.

We didn’t get off to the best of starts.  From a horrible pregnancy where I couldn’t really bond with you to collapsing twice just after you were born to being bed ridden for a good few months after you were born and not being able to give you the time you deserved, I feel so guilty that I have let you down so much already.  I wish I could go back and relive those months with my current better health.  I am so thankful for our breastfeeding bond.  I was determined to breastfeed before you were born despite the lack of support I received from most people outside of your Daddy.  It was the one thing that no one else could do for you and no matter how ill I have felt I have pushed to ensure you are breastfed.  It hasn’t been easy, but there is no other choice I would’ve made for you or me.  It had been suggested by those who don’t understand what we have that it’d be easier to give you formula given my health.  These people fail to realise that breastfeeding is about more than nourishing your body; it nourishes your soul as well and is the one thing that we share that no one else can enter into; one area in which I haven’t failed you.  I am pleased to say that a year later and I am still able to provide you with that bond.  Happy Feeding Birthday to us as well my sweetheart!

I cannot thank you enough for all the good change you have wrought in my life.  Without you I never would have gotten to the point physically of finally getting some answers about why I was constantly so poorly.  Without you, I would never have gained the confidence to try out new things without the fear of failure.  Without you, I never would have started this blog.  Without you, I never would have called into question a lot of what is considered normal in society around me to examine it closely and see if it really was in your best interests.  Without you, I wouldn’t have reason to go out and meet new people.  Without you my life was grey and boring.

With you, my life is full of colour.  With you my life is filled with laughter.   With you my life is never dull.  With you my life is filled with promise and new beginnings.

Thank you for teaching me patience and being forgiving of me every time I mess up.  Thank you for teaching me to be less self-centred even though I still have a long way to go.  Thank you for giving me a reason to get up in the morning and face each new day with a smile.  Thank you for all the hugs and kisses we have shared.

This year has been so filled with changes, and you have done a lot of changing and growing my beautiful butterfly.  You have teeth, you sit up, you pull yourself up, you crawl, you cruise, you talk, you feed yourself, you have preferences of what you like to do and where you like to go, you delight in animals, you love lights, all kinds of lights, you enjoying looking at and talking about the world map or ‘bap’ in our hallway, you love turning the lights on and off yourself, you love listening to stories, you enjoy watching other people, you love a good game of peek-a-boo, you want to know the name for everything you see, you try to repeat words you hear, you enjoy dancing to music and playing with your instrument set(will this continue as you get older?), you love shapes, you love all types of bean and lentils, you hate meat, you eat an adult sized portion of porridge for breakfast and sometimes you are still so hungry you eat half of mine as well.

These are just some little snippets of your first year my sweet angel.  It has been a full and happy year packed with lots of love and laughter.  I am excited to watch you grow and develop even more into your own little person.  I thank God for the blessing of you in my life, and you truly are a blessing, my miracle baby.  There are no words to express just how much I love you.

Always remember no matter how old you get or where you are in this world or what you do, you will always be my baby.

 

Happy Birthday Darling Girl!!

 

Love,

Mama xxx

 

 

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The Creation Station Is Coming Together

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Last night I made the playdough for the party and my husband helped me colour it all.  I used this recipe from The Imagination Tree.  I have used it before and I love it because it’s so easy, and there’s no cooking involved…brilliant!  I made a double batch and we then divided it into 6.  Unlike in the original recipe, I did not add the colouring when I added the water.  I did everything but the colouring and kneaded the dough before dividing it and then we coloured each ball individually.  All but the purple batch was coloured using Morrisons natural food dye, the other was Dr Oetkers gel dye and we actually needed more of that (by more I mean the whole tube) to get anywhere near a colour we wanted.  The little plastic tubs came from Asda.  They are only smartprice ones but are great.  We already had 3 as I used them to put paint in for the potatoe prints and yesterday we got 3 more.  We got some colouring pencils and crayons; the pipe cleaners, pom poms etc came from a crafty joke present my husband got me a few years back for Christmas…..glad I held onto them 🙂  So now we just need some more playdough tools and some paper and we’re all set for the bigger kiddes on Saturday 🙂

When Life Disappoints

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Before becoming pregnant, I signed up to do a Diploma in Reflexology.  I had seen great improvements in my health regarding my endometriosis etc and as my parents suffer from many health issues, I wanted a way to help alleviate some of their pain with the possibility of setting up my own clinic in the future.  After joining, I then discovered that I was pregnant and as the Hyperemesis got progressively worse, by December I had to step out of the course.  I had done all the coursework up to this point and lots of practicals as well.  I discussed the situation with my tutor and left with the promises that all the work I had done already would still count, and I could just rejoin the course in December where I left off, and that I wouldn’t have to pay a penny more than the fees for the year 2011-2012.

Since leaving, he has decided to switch awarding bodies, as the body he was with are no longer awarding to the same level.  This was fine as in February he still told me that my work done already would count and he was still upholding the agreement that I wouldn’t have to pay any more money despite having to be registered with a new awarding body.  I emailed him about coursework in June and disappointment one came: he replied to say not to do anymore coursework as some of it would count, but some of it wouldn’t, and that I would have to pay another fee to be registered with the new awarding body.  I then saw there were 5 extra lessons and so started to think, well how am I going to just “slot back in” in December where I left off?  My husband and I were in the middle of deciding what to do about the whole situation, and today I got another email stating that I’d have to attend ALL classes again, redo ALL course work and pay this fee.

Now, I was struggling with the fact that I would have to leave my baby girl for a whole day every 3 weeks come December, but from September would just break my heart.  This is why I asked and reasked if I would be able to just come back at the point where I had to stop.    I also don’t know how I would find the time to do all the course work again, as it took me forever when I didn’t have a child to care for 24/7 and could devote whole days to doing it.  So, we are left with a situation where I feel I can no longer continue on with my training and now need to try and get money back for his breeching the contract he made with me 😦  I hate confrontation, and I know that ultimately I stand to lose a lot of money….money that we could do with having back right now!

Disappointed? Yes

Upset? Yes

Annoyed? Very

But I know that even in all this God has something good for me.  If I can’t continue on and have to drop out and if I lose all the money I have paid, there will be a reason even if I don’t know why this side of eternity, and God only shuts doors when He has something better He wants to give.  We just have to be patient and be still instead of trying to batter down the closed door.  So, I will take my upset and disappointment to Him and leave it there and await His answer to all this trusting that He has something great in store for me, and he has plans to prosper me and not to hurt me (Jeremiah 20:11).

How do you cope with life’s disappointments?