Tag Archives: Christmas

Sorry I Wasn’t There

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My Sweet Baby Girl,

The other night I went out to a Christmas craft evening.  This is one of the handful of times in your 21 months that I have ever left you in an evening to go to such an event.  Unfortunately, it was the same night those nasty molars decided to wake you up.  You were inconsolable and Daddy wasn’t good enough for you.  All you wanted was your Mummy, and she wasn’t there.  I was so upset to hear you had been in such a state and in such pain when I got in that I desperately wanted to go and wake you so you would know that I was home and there for you.  You woke by yourself again anyway and called for me.  That was it; you were my little leech for the evening.  You wouldn’t stay in your own room as you wanted to make sure I was still there.  I brought you into to bed with me  thinking you would sleep, but you stayed wide awake holding my hand, touching my face, laying your head on mine and making sure that if I moved even an inch it wasn’t to leave you.

It was so sad, and poignant as well, because there will be a day when Mama won’t be there with you.  There will be a day when you have to go this life on your own without my comfort and without my support.  I wish I could be with you always to soothe away life’s pain and troubles.  I wish that every time you reach out your hand for mine you would feel mine clasp yours tightly in return.  I wish you could always here the words, “shh now, I’m here it’s ok.”  I am sorry that one day I will have to go and leave you with a mother’s comforting embrace to blaze your trail in this world.  And I am sorry that on a night when you did need me and I am still with you that I wasn’t there.

 

All my love to you my sweet girl.

Mummy xxx

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Struggling

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I am struggling to write, struggling to un-jumble my tangled web of thoughts.  Life has been so crazy hard the past few months.  I talked about our issue with rats and our desire to relocate for various reasons.   Our lives have taken various twists and turns since then with regards to finding homes that looked promising to move to and then it all falling through…repeatedly.  It starts to get to you after a while.  I am beginning to feel trapped in an endless cycle of problems, expense and despair.  Our rodent friends have also returned to bother us, with yet another one getting underneath our bath.  Argh!!  And we have had a few issues with our two dogs that may mean we need to find them a new home. 😦  At the minute it is hard to see where God is in all of this, but I have to keep trusting that He is, because if I lost that hope and that faith I would lose my mind entirely.

So all of that has just kept my mind from focusing and my fingers from typing.  I will try and do better though as we wait in this current place we find ourselves.  I have missed my blog so much.

Onto some positives:

Miss E is now speaking a bit of French and German.  She loves it.  She cannot get enough of books and stories in foreign languages, so I have had to ask my friend in Germany to send me some over.  Her interest was sparked at the Montessori group we are part of as the session starts with songs and stories in French and ends with songs and stories in German.  It is lovely to see her enjoy it so much.   She loves all things Montessori.  We should be at our session today, but sadly we are missing out as I am sick with the flu.

I have started a new business venture with Usborne Books at Home and have become an Independent Usborne Organiser.  They have some many fantastic books covering a wide age range and many topics, so I just had to become an Organiser.  I have lots of events on in the run up to Christmas which is very exciting.  I am looking forward to sharing the wonderful books with more people and hopefully making some friends along the way.  So, if you are living anywhere in the UK or Europe check out my website where you can shop online.  If you aren’t in the UK or Europe, you can still show some love by liking us on Facebook or following us on Twitter. 🙂  I hope life finds you all well.

Happy New Year!

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I trust everyone has had a wonderful time with their families over Christmas and New Year.  It’s hard to believe that it’s already the 2nd day of a new year!  We had a wonderful Christmas here.  Christmas day we spent just the 3 of us as we wanted a nice relaxed day without time constraints of having to be somewhere or of having the dinner ready for a certain time.  It was a really special and enjoyable day.  Outside of that we did some visiting and a lot of entertaining.  Now, for me that is a big deal.  I love, love, love the image of hosting people and in my imagination I am a wonderful person with a open home who thrives on cooking for others and feeding them up while offering wonderful hospitality…………..in reality the mere thought of people coming over fills me with dread and panic.  I worry that the house isn’t clean enough, I worry that the food doesn’t taste good, so what tends to happen is we don’t have many guests as it’s just such a huge battle for me emotionally.  I don’t know if I have maybe gone a little crazy since having the little one or if it’s the great health that I have been experiencing since being on my anti candida diet plus all my herbal pills to help my system, but in the space of 5 days, 3 out of those 5 days were taken up with entertaining guests and cooking for them.  And the craziest event of all for me was New Year’s Eve.  From somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain came the great idea to invite family from both sides and friends to our house in the afternoon for a buffet!  Now this is out of character for me on two levels; one: it requires cooking in big quantities for people outside of this house and two: it involves the coming together of two sets of families plus friends who don’t know each other.  That is something that normally would keep me awakre at night for weeks on end worrying about whether they’d all get on, would it be awkward, what if there wasn’t enough food etc etc.  Somehow the plan was put in motion and I didn’t back out!  In fact, the night before saw me baking cakes, apple pies, mince pies, and on the day there was a flurry of activity making bacon and leek tartlets, making sandwiches, getting veg platters out and all sorts.  And for once, I felt organised and calm, and the whole thing passed by without incident and everyone got on great and I am still breathing!  It was a delight to have people over and I am so thrilled I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone.  It has boosted my confidence and made me think that yeah, maybe that person in my imagination can actually be the person in reality!

So, going into 2013 that is one of my personal goals: to stress less over my house and my cooking and just enjoy the company of people in my house.

Another of my personal goals is to at least get the theory part of my reflexology diploma completed.  I would love to say I will have the whole thing completed by December, but to allow room for life’s craziness with a little person and to avoid disappointment, I am saying just the theory.

One more thing I am hoping to start changing this year is my negative, complaining attitude.  I want to develop an attitude of gratitude…..it’ll no doubt take a while to break the cycle, but I have made a start.  I began reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp (I’m only a few chapters in, but it’s amazing!), and so have started my own gift list to write down and remind myself of all the blessings and wonderful things that I already have in my life.

Some of our other goals are:

-Reducing our debt.  This goal is one we should have started well before now, but you live and learn and as they say it’s better late than never. We aim to be debt free in about 2-3 years.

-Finishing off various projects in the house.  We are great at starting DIY projects, or even getting people in to do the work, but we are not so good at doing the final finishing touches.

-Continuing to improve on our healthier lifestyle.  We have come a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong way (the days of multiple chocolate bars for me are a distant memory), and with the birth of our daughter and finding out what has been causing me to be so ill for so many years, we have made a lot of drastic changes, but there is always room for improvement in this area.  My husband asked for gym membership for Christmas, so it is now my job to hound him to go there and use it!!  Also, both the dogs are looking a bit podgy, as I have been avoiding walks due to the weather.  The reason being that wrap tails get very soggy and dirty on wet, muddy ground, and I cannot stand that, so we are awaiting the arrival of our Boba 3g carrier for rainy day walks, and we will be kitting out Miss E with a puddle suit to keep her nice and dry as well, and then we can walk rain or shine, and will hopefully all notice the benefits.

 

What kind of goals have you set yourself for 2013?

Gift Giving

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Christmas is a wonderful time of year, isn’t it?  All those gifts sat wrapped under the tree awaiting distribution to the receiver; the eager anticipation of what gifts we will get in return.  Hmmmmmm, or maybe it’s a stress trying to get all those gifts bought and trying to make the budget stretch to cover the cost.  Maybe you are lost in a sea of wrapping paper and gift tags willing the whole thing to be over.  Since having my daughter, I have been forced to take a step back and really evaluate my life, the things I do and why I do them.  Christmas has probably seen the biggest revolution so far for us.  But gift giving, this is an area where I’ve felt most challenged and an area that’s caused me to face up to the selfish person I like to pretend doesn’t cohabit this body.  I’ve always given gifts, but the thing is, I have always given gifts to those who are going to be giving to me in return.  Selfish or what?!   Or there’s that other gift giving sin I am guilty of, buying a gift in a price range that I think the other person will also pick mine from.  What is the point?!  We both may as well just keep our money in our bank accounts and spend it on ourselves.  I am not writing this to say gift giving is bad, far from it!!  But, as we set our hearts and minds towards advent, and we started thinking about what we really wanted to teach our daughter from this blessed time of year, we built in something we have never done before………….giving a gift to someone who isn’t going to give us one in return.  Gasp!!!  It’s never happened before, but it’s going to be one of our advent traditions.  It’s not a big thing we’re giving.  In fact, we’ve started of pretty small; the gift is homemade cookies, but the point is not the gift itself, it is in the selfless giving.  We are giving these treats to our neighbours, who we barely know.  I have made the cookies with no expectations in return, just for the sheer joy of giving something freely and out of love.  Where does this stem from?  Well, from both of us looking back at our childhood and seeing how selfish we were.  Christmas is about Jesus’ birthday and yet, we thought the day was all about us and those heaps of presents coming our way.  But we want to teach our daughter, that, yes, it is GREAT to receive, but it is BETTER to give, and in giving to those who are not obliged in any way to return the favour we are sharing a little bit of Jesus with them and also giving a gift to Him as well.  It’s his birthday, afterall, and after coming to earth and giving us the ultimate gift salvation and life eternal asking nothing in return, a plateful of cookies to strangers sharing the same street really is the least we can do.  What about you?  Do you give to people just for the sake of giving and not expecting in return?  Is this something your family has been doing for a while, maybe?  Let me know, and share your inspiration for great gifts to touch hearts at Christmas and throughout the year.  I can’t wait to distribute my gifts this evening when people get home; my gift in return will be the smile on their face.  That alone is gift enough.

Advent

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It’s that time of year when we turn our hearts and minds to preparing for and celebrating the most wondrous birth story and love story ever.  All around the lights and decorations are going up, Christmas trees are gleaming away through people’s house windows.  Everyone seems to be filled with a little more joy and a little more love while Christmas music fills the air.  I love Christmas music, and I try and add to my collection of it on a regular basis. Today, while reading this over at Keeper of The Home, I discovered the album Behold The Lamb.  A song that has just struck me to my core on there is Labor of Love.  So often we paint nice, cosy images in our heads of the Saviour’s birth.  Christmas cards depict warm, clean stables, Mary and Joseph pristine and glowing, no signs of tiredness or sweat upon them.  This song really brought home to me, especially now as a mother, just what Mary went through.  Imagine more the terrified young girl birthing her first child in the dead of night without the help of experienced women, and a frightened young man by her side supporting her through it all.  Imagine instead the grimy stable, the filth, the manure, the stench of animals, air probably filled with the eye watering vapour of ammonia. Imagine the lack of washing facilities to allow Mary to freshen up after the birth.  There were no midwives or caring female relatives here to take and clean the baby and make sure Mary had a fresh bed with plump pillows and warm covers to lay down in afterwards and a nice shower or bath to soak in.  There were no high tech emergency services just a phonecall away just incase there was a “worst case scenario”.  Wow, I am in awe of Mary laboring away on a floor of dirty straw, as she puts all her might, heart and soul into bringing God’s own son into this world.  Jesus could have been born in a palace to royalty, but instead he chose to be born in a filthy, dark, stable surrounded by animals and chose a young, insignificant woman as his earthly mother; a woman who may not have had much by way of earthly riches, but she had a strength of character and a faith far richer and more beautiful than all the riches money could buy.  From the outset, He chose to identify with the least of us and the worst of us through his birth story.  What amazing love!  This year, when I celebrate Jesus’ birth and why He was sent down, I will choose to paint a more accurate image in my mind of the cicrumstances surrounding his birth, and not a prettied up one.  I will choose to fully appreciate the wonderful gift of love which was placed in that grimy feedbox on that night.  May His grace and love touch your heart and soul during this advent season.

Motherhood makes you do crazy things

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Before becoming a mummy, I had zero interest in sewing.  And, apart from a few cross stitches about 7 years ago, I have not picked up a needle and thread or used a sewing machine in about 14 years since I was in high school and was forced to take home economics classes and sew a pin cushion, an apron, a wrap over skirt and and actual cushion cover.  Since having my daughter and using cloth nappies/diapers and washable wipes, I have found a whole host of WAHMs making lots of lovely items on their sewing machines for sale.  Lovely reuseable wipes, dribble bibs, nappies/diapers etc.  You name it, they probably make it!  Some of things I ws looking at made me think, even I could make them with some material and a sewing machine.  I’m no seamstress, but I might could manage a simple line of stiches!  So, I became inspired, and, in my mind, I redecorated pretty much our whole house!  I made cushions, drying cloths, napkins, those cool, non paper, ‘paper towel’ rolls, washable wipes for baby, blankets for her.  All sorts of lovely stuff……in my mind!  One major obstacle is the fact that I have no sewing machine to try and get these ideas from my head to being a tangible reality.  Well, seeing as Christmas is looming, I am starting to think ahead to that lovely time of year and stockings hanging up.  We have a whole host of stockings in various shapes and sizes…mainly mine from childhood as my aunts bought me a new one quite often!  Stockings were the best bit of opening presents for me.  I started to think that I’d quite like my daughter to have a unique stocking, not just something I picked up from a store.  So, once again it comes into my head the idea that I could sew her one :O  I started on a hunt for festive material and have found the most gorgeous ones for her.  My husband has asked his Grandma if we can borrow her sewing machine, so that’s no longer an obstacle if she can get it working, and I have watched you tube videos on sewing a stocking, and it looks pretty simple(til I actually embark on trying to cut out the pattern and sew various bits together).  So far so good!!  I am excited to give this new thing a try, and I just hope I don’t ruin some very pretty material in the process, but I find it amusing to see how much I have changed as a person since having my daughter.  For one, it has made me want to be more creative, and I would never have classed myself as a creative!  Even a year ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of sewing anything, and I would have laughed so hard if someone had told me that this year I’d be on the hunt for material and haberdashery to make a stocking.   I still find it very amusing that I am embarking on this little sewing adventure.  Who knows where it will lead?!  Maybe I’ll get hooked and actually make new cushion covers and my long list of other ideas afterall!  How has becoming a parent changed you as a person?