Tag Archives: God

Our Rainbow Came To Join Us

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So, our rainbow baby has arrived, and she’s now almost 3 months old, but better late than never to record the birth story ūüôā ¬†From the beginning my envisaged birth was a water birth at home with just my husband and eldest daughter present. ¬†I awoke at 4am on the morning of her birth with a knowing feeling that it would be the day. ¬†Once again, it was a weekend, so Mr P was at home. ¬† We went about our day. ¬†Miss E was rather tired, so she went for a nap and we stayed home from church. ¬†I lay in bed most of the morning. ¬†Around 10:30 am I got the odd surge but they averaged about 2-3 an hour from then. ¬†At 11:30 am, I came downstairs to tell Mr P it was time to fill the pool as we would be having the baby that day. ¬†He was rather dubious due to the fact I was extremely calm and didn’t seem to be in labour, but he did as instructed. ¬†By lunchtime I decided it was the right time to call my reflexologist for a treatment. ¬†She arrived around 1:45pm and gave me a treatment. ¬†Things were still very chilled out at this point. ¬†She left again about 3pm saying to go lie down and rest and she felt by 10pm the baby would be here. ¬†After she left, I told Mr P that I didn’t think it was going to take that long and I thought by 7pm baby would be here and Miss E would still be up. ¬†I went to lie down as I felt quite tired. ¬†Through this time Mr P and Miss E had gone to the shops for something we were out of, sorted our dinner which was cooking and smelling delicious and picked blackberries from the garden. ¬†By 4pm, I couldn’t lie down anymore as my body was telling me to stay upright, so I paced around the upstairs listening to some music, swaying back and forth while Miss E and Mr P played in the garden. ¬†Mr P came in around 4:40pm to get the rest of dinner ready. ¬†I told him I was ¬†heading to the shower for some heat therapy as my back was a little painful then. ¬†By now the surges had been coming quickly for an hour, so I knew we had hit active labour stage, but everything was still very calm. ¬†I came downstairs at 5pm in time for dinner, and Miss E had hurt herself, so I gave her a cuddle. ¬†When I set her down again and stood up, I had one very sharp intense pain, and I said to Mr P that it was time for me to get in the pool and to bring me dinner after he and Miss E were finished. ¬†So while they ate, I breathed in my essential oils and listened to my music. ¬†He brought me my dinner and I was so looking forward to eating that lamb curry, but as soon as I had the plate in my hand the intensity of the contractions increased and they came one on top of another, so i never got to eat more than 3 bites, as every time I tried to eat a mouthful, I’d have to hand everything back to Mr P so I could sway in the water. ¬†I gave up in the end and asked him to start the cd again, get more oils in my burner, and also to remain by the pool. ¬†Miss E was also there. ¬†About 6pm, I had 5 intense surges that made me cry a little and think I couldn’t do anymore without relying on some gas and air and only one person could get me that; and my dreams of my unassisted birth seemed to be slipping away, so, feeling rather defeated, I asked Mr P to call for the midwife. ¬†I now know those 5 surges and little cry was my transition phase. ¬†While Mr P was on the phone I knew the baby was coming and would be born as I had always envisaged. ¬†At 6:16pm, surrounded by the love of her closest family and born into an environment of peace, calm, safety, and familiarity, Miss K entered the world easily weighing a healthy 10 lb 1, and I delivered her and lifted her from the water myself. ¬†Nothing can describe the feeling of birthing your child alone and being the first to lay hands on them. ¬†It was the most natural experience and just as nature intended. ¬†I also gave my firstborn the gift I so wanted to bestow upon her; the gift of seeing firsthand that birth is a natural and normal occurrence, not a medical procedure, and when you focus on the right things, surges are not painful, your body relaxes and births can be an enjoyable and empowering experience. ¬†I have thoroughly enjoyed both my births, and I am so thankful to God to have been in much better health this time round and to have learned so much from both births. ¬†Hopefully, I can put what I have learned to good use in future. ¬†I praise God for the safe arrival of Miss K to our family, and for the wonderful gifts she will bring to our family as she grows and reveals more of who she is.

 

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Messy

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One thing I am learning and becoming all too aware of as my daughter grows is that motherhood is messy. ¬†It’s messy in a literal, physical sense where there are always sticky hand prints around, or toys in the wrong places, or mud trekked in through the house via the soles of little shoes. ¬†I am ok with that side of messy. ¬†Yeah, I have to clean up the same thing a gazillion times, but still, I can cope with that.

There’s the other side of motherhood that’s messy though and not so easily cleaned up-the emotional side. ¬†Ever get those days when everyone just falls apart? ¬†Voices rise, tears fall, harsh words come gushing out, doors slam. ¬†The mess is nasty, and hard to sort through. ¬†It puts cracks in relationships, builds barriers and everything is stressful.

We have had so many of these messy days lately. ¬†Developmental changes have brought new challenges for both of us as we try and figure out how to live harmoniously with each other, with our needs and our personalities. ¬†Miss E has been fashioned by God’s good hand into a very independent and strong character. ¬†All the qualities that are such a difficulty for me right now as her mother, will, one day, stand her in good stead as she ventures off into the world alone. ¬†But it’s getting from here to that point that is proving difficult. ¬†It’s a fine balancing act and a skilled dance as we figure this whole thing out together, and often we get it all wrong. ¬†We fail to understand each other. ¬†We fail to communicate with each other in loving ways. ¬†We fail to choose loving reactions. ¬†Yesterday was one such messy day.

On these messy days, I am thankful for two gifts:  GRACE.  Grace to try again.  Grace to start anew.  Grace to change.   Rich, abundant grace.  Where would we be without it?  NATURE.  Our happy place.  A therapy for the soul.  A place we can go together to ease the stresses and rediscover our way on this journey.  There is colour therapy given via the flowers and the greenery, music therapy from bird song, the wind, water passing by, raindrops falling.  There is peace, time to reflect, time to reconnect.  Grace and nature: our balm to soothe away the strife.  How do you cope with the messy days of parenting?  How do you reconnect with your child?IMAG0604

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I do not understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where are but does not leave us where it found us.

~Anne Lamott~

Thoughtful Thursdays

We Are Never Having Any More

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The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time. ¬†I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me. ¬†In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world. ¬†Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most. ¬†Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at. ¬†It is no laughing matter.

As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’. ¬†Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place. ¬†I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.

Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman. ¬†Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways. ¬†We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication. ¬†It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children. ¬†There must be something wrong with me, we think. ¬†Why is my body no good at nurturing life?

“We are never having any more.” ¬†The words they sting. ¬†They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good. ¬†I am no good at this thing called motherhood. ¬†I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life. ¬†If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.

I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea. ¬†I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child. ¬†I fight sickness and SVT and SPD. ¬†I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash. ¬†He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months. ¬† No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world. ¬†Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two. ¬†But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams. ¬†I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.

I cannot change my husband’s mind. ¬†I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me. ¬†I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it. ¬†All I can do is pray. ¬†Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally. ¬†Pray for affirmation of who I am. ¬†Pray for understanding. ¬†Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy. ¬†Pray for a miracle.

Struggling

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I am struggling to write, struggling to un-jumble my tangled web of thoughts. ¬†Life has been so crazy hard the past few months. ¬†I talked about our issue with rats and our desire to relocate for various reasons. ¬† Our lives have taken various twists and turns since then with regards to finding homes that looked promising to move to and then it all falling through…repeatedly. ¬†It starts to get to you after a while. ¬†I am beginning to feel trapped in an endless cycle of problems, expense and despair. ¬†Our rodent friends have also returned to bother us, with yet another one getting underneath our bath. ¬†Argh!! ¬†And we have had a few issues with our two dogs that may mean we need to find them a new home. ūüė¶ ¬†At the minute it is hard to see where God is in all of this, but I have to keep trusting that He is, because if I lost that hope and that faith I would lose my mind entirely.

So all of that has just kept my mind from focusing and my fingers from typing.  I will try and do better though as we wait in this current place we find ourselves.  I have missed my blog so much.

Onto some positives:

Miss E is now speaking a bit of French and German.  She loves it.  She cannot get enough of books and stories in foreign languages, so I have had to ask my friend in Germany to send me some over.  Her interest was sparked at the Montessori group we are part of as the session starts with songs and stories in French and ends with songs and stories in German.  It is lovely to see her enjoy it so much.   She loves all things Montessori.  We should be at our session today, but sadly we are missing out as I am sick with the flu.

I have started a new business venture with Usborne Books at Home and have become an Independent Usborne Organiser. ¬†They have some many fantastic books covering a wide age range and many topics, so I just had to become an Organiser. ¬†I have lots of events on in the run up to Christmas which is very exciting. ¬†I am looking forward to sharing the wonderful books with more people and hopefully making some friends along the way. ¬†So, if you are living anywhere in the UK or Europe check out my website where you can shop online. ¬†If you aren’t in the UK or Europe, you can still show some love by liking us on Facebook or following us on Twitter. ūüôā ¬†I hope life finds you all well.

Miscarriage Hurts

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It’s been 6 months; 6 whole months. ¬†Shouldn’t it get easier? ¬†Yet, somehow this month is even more painful. ¬†My body feels empty. ¬†I should be watching it grow and change, but instead there is nothing but emptiness and longing. ¬†Month after month goes by and no new life has come to soothe the heartache, to put a salve on the wounds by bringing a new joy to our life.

Our family is incomplete. ¬†People ask of me, “Is this your only child?”, referring to Miss E. ¬†I respond with a yes, because it would be too much for me to tell them that no, there is an angel in heaven that belongs to our family whom we never had the chance to meet properly. ¬†But people would never understand, for I get the impression that unless a life has fully entered the world it is considered a sub-life and, therefore, my loss shouldn’t be as great or as painful as if I had laid eyes on this child and then it were to leave me. ¬†But a mother doesn’t need to see the child to feel the love. ¬†The knowing that she carried that soul for however brief a period is enough to fuel a love so strong that even time doesn’t diminish its intensity.

Time marches on, life keeps going and I keep moving along with it, but the passing of time cannot make a mother’s heart forget, and today the memory and the loss is exceptionally raw and painful.

Not What I Thought I Would Write About

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Well, I thought I’d be able to write about the lovely nature walk Miss E and I were to have this morning. ¬†We had a little seed bag from Nature Detectives¬†printed off and stuck together to go looking for things like acorns and chestnuts with a group of friends. ¬†The weather was lovely for it too.

I put Miss E down early for a nap as I wanted her to have at least an hour before we left otherwise she would miss out on her nap and she didn’t sleep so well. ¬†She went straight to sleep and I had trouble waking her up. ¬†I almost left her sleeping and cancelled, but as we had already missed two other events this week due to circumstances, I decided we needed to go.

About 10 minutes from our destination in the middle lane coming up to a roundabout just after being on a dual carriage way, I needed to change down gears and slow down to come up to the roundabout.  Horror of horrors there was this awful grinding noise and NO GEARS.  I tried every single gear while braking to no avail.  I whacked on the hazards, and came to a standstill about 2 car lengths from the roundabout.

I was now in a dangerous place with a child in the back who could get smashed into at any moment with no way of getting us tot he side of the road or out of the car.  Cars kept streaming past us on both sides.  I had no info on our breakdown cover so needed to get in touch with Mr P, but he was unavailable.  The moment I thought he could be in a meeting and may be in that meeting for a very long time and I would have no way of getting us rescued panic started to creep up on me slowly.

Just as my mind was about to unravel a man pulled up beside me in the other lane and asked if I wanted him to push the car in to the side so we wouldn’t be in harms way. ¬†Relief! ¬†At least I wouldn’t be a target any more. ¬†He and his friend pushed us in under the bridge and up the curb. ¬†Shortly after that I finally managed to get in touch with Mr P so he could sort out breakdown recovery. ¬†Then I had to get Miss E out of the car and walk on some very dicey parts of the road to get to McDonalds which was thankfully not too far from where we broke down.

We sat there and awaited Mr P and the RAC’s arrival. ¬†We got home safe and sound, and now we have plans for the weekend….trying to find a new car. ¬†We have been holding off, hoping we could ditch the two and get one good car when we are able to move, but there comes a point when constant major repairs are just too much and it’s all too unsafe.

I am thankful for God’s protection on us today and all week. ¬†I was quite annoyed at having had to miss the other two events, but looking back I can see the Hand of Providence. ¬†Both those journeys were rather long and involved motorway driving (not a place I’d like my clutch to go-yes that was the issue in the end not my gearbox), and also mr P is out of the country for a few days next week when I would have had to make one of those long journeys again. ¬†I would have been totally stranded then as we have no one near us who could’ve rescued me.

 

And, now to unwind from the days events.  Did you have any adventures this fine Friday?!