Tag Archives: Grief Loss and Bereavement

Matilda Mae





This Thursday was the funeral of little Matilda Mae daughter of Jennie over at Edspire.  We set up this corner in the lounge where we had a candle burning for the day and a little bottle of bubbles sat beside it (Matilda loved bubbles).  So, on Thursday, every time upon leaving or entering the lounge this scene drew our hearts and minds to Matilda’s family as they said their final good byes to her and we were able to pray for them throughout the day.  This little girl’s life and death have touched so many.  It has touched me deeply for many reasons.  One of those reasons is that little girl’s personality and likes and dislikes were so much like my own little girl.  She has also taught me so much as well…..she has reminded me that life is precious, life is short, life is a gift, so make the most of it.  Enjoy every minute of it.  I hold my daughter tighter, I love on her more, I take as many photos as I can, I have lost the guilt, the pressure of keeping up with the house, because the time I spend with my daughter is more important than ensuring my house is as neat as pin incase guests might stop by.  Every time I think of Matilda Mae I want to go pick up my daughter and hold her tight because you just never know when it might be the last time.  I choose to be more gentle, more relaxed, more here all because of one special little girl’s life and tragic death.  I hurt so bad for her parents and what they are going through.  I cannot begin to imagine the pain and distress, the struggle of carrying on with life without your child.  This situation has reminded me that I am not guaranteed another minute never mind another year with my own child, so I need to make it count.

Matilda Mae, you are such a special angel child.  I am thankful to God for the joy you have brought to this earth in your all too short nine months.  Thank you for teaching, me, a stranger so much. Your Mummy is also such an inspiration; you were blessed with a wonderful family.  I wish I had the privilege of meeting you this side of heaven, but I know you are lighting up the skies with your beautiful smile and I look forward to meeting you one day. xxx


Hello And Good Bye


Dear One Who Was Never Meant To Be,

Today we said hello and good bye all in one breath.  I had already said hello to you some time ago.  I think sometimes a mummy just knows without any tests that there’s new life within.  It was the same with your sister, and it was the same with you.  I never got to the joy of seeing two lines appear on a test to confirm.  On Saturday I knew something wasn’t right inside.  I went for my homeopathic treatment which seemed to make it all worse(I regret ever going, I wish I had let Daddy cancel it.  Maybe you would still be alive?  I don’t know.  I will never know this side of heaven).  From Sunday on, the pain and bleeding have been excrutiating and progressively worse.  Last night I knew there was some horribly wrong with all this, and this morning it was decided that I should go see the Dr.  We went and after examinations and a brief history of the happenings the hospital was called.  They thought at first that it was possibly an ectopic pregnancy, but all tests came back negative, so they have told me that you existed but died and what I am suffering is a miscarriage.  I knew already somewhere, somehow, I knew, but hearing the words out loud hurt.  Why could it not have had some other cause and reason?  But no, miscarriage is the diagnosis.  You weren’t very old, but it still hurts.  It hurts that I will never feel you growing and moving inside.  It hurts that I will never feel the joy and immense love that comes with seeing your face for the first time.  It all hurts, physically, emotionally, mentally.  All I am left with is pain.  You may only have been tiny, and to a lot of people at this stage they may think you didn’t really matter, that you are insignificant, just a lump of tissue.  But you matter to me, you are significant to me, you are loved by me.

I take comfort in the fact that you are in heaven, you will never experience pain, hurt, sickness, anger, fear.  You will never shed a tear.  I know you will love it there, and I know one day we will meet.  I look forward to that day, but I will miss you while I live here, Dear Child That Was Never Meant To Be.  I will wonder at what you would have been.  Life will carry on, and I will move on, but a part of me will forever be in heaven with you.  I love you and I never had the chance to meet you.  I will savour these moments with you as you leave me however painfilled and horrible they are; they are what we have together as mother and child; all that we have been afforded for now.

On Mother’s Day, this Sunday, I will be thankful for your sister and for her making me a Mummy, but I will also be thankful for the brief time we had together, and mourn the times we will not spend together here on earth.  Good bye my Angel Baby.


Mummy xxx

One Month


It has been a month since the awful tragic news of Matilda Mae’s death.  I shared the story of this little girl and her family back then.  This week is her funeral I do believe.  Her mama is struggling.  She is missing her baby so very much.  She is frightened about the funeral, frightened about living without her daughter.  She is struggling to find a way to live with the ache in her heart.  She is exhausted trying to entertain and be happy for her lovely twins who need their Mummy oh so much as they process their grief in their own way.  My heart will forever be a little bit broken for this family.  I cannot begin to fathom the deep grief and anguish they live through on a daily basis.  Please stop by her blog and show her some love.  A simple I’m sorry for your lost might just place a little bit of a soothing balm on her aching heart today.

Sandy Hook


It’s been a few days now since the Sandy Hook shooting rocked a village, a state, a country, the world, but it’s still as heart wrenching as it was the day it happened.  How anyone could take even one person’s life let alone 26 and among them innocent, bright eyed, hopeful children is just too much for me to comprehend.  My heart is saddened for the parents who have lost their beautiful children.  I look at my daughter, and I cannot fathom never seeing that gorgeous face again, never being able to hold her close, see her smile, hear her delight at everything around her.  It breaks my heart.  I read this by Ann Voskamp yesterday and wanted to share it with you as she puts it all far better than I ever could.  This Christmas, in the midst of all our fun and laughter, gift giving, and food eating, let us take a moment to stop and bow our heads and pray for all those grieving hearts around the world who have lost loved ones, let us remember the lives lost every day to the heinous crime of murder in all its forms, let us offer up thanks for all that we have and for all those sat around our table, and let us not forget that our hope is in Christ alone.