Tag Archives: Hyperemesis Gravidarum

Growing Nicely

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I am a good bit over the halfway mark now in this pregnancy (if baby decides to come when it has been estimated to arrive).  Baby is doing well and growing as expected.  The vomiting has mostly stopped now hurrah!   I am so thankful, as it means that, this time, unlike with Miss E, I am able to feel excited about the baby inside instead of just wishing away the days until I could be done and feel well again.

I am also thankful that this time around we are able to get osteopathic treatment for my SPD so I can avoid ending up in various braces and walk without the support of crutches.   It has made such a difference to my life especially with needing to care for Miss E and ensure that she can still get to see her friends weekly.

My latest issue is the fact that I am not sleeping well at all which is affecting my SVT some days.  I either can’t get to sleep due to baby having a party in my womb, my legs being agitated, my brain buzzing, heartburn etc, or I get woken up by something and then I cannot get back to sleep.  Exhaustion makes you do weird things like put items in cupboards that should be in the fridge or leave the oven on for hours after you have eaten what you had in there, and I have now officially banned myself from cooking rice until this baby is born as in the last week, I have burned it twice due to being so tired I’ve forgotten it’s even cooking, argh!  Oh the joys of the pregnancy journey 🙂

I really cannot believe how fast this pregnancy and year are flying by.  How did we get to April already?!?!  I have so much to cram into a very short space of time, like ensuring I take Miss E on a few special days out just the two of us now I am feeling somewhat better, getting our house on the market in the next 2 weeks and sold ASAP so we can get moving before baby arrives, and there are a few things I want to make for baby as well.  Time, please slow down for just a little while!

We Are Never Having Any More

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The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time.  I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me.  In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world.  Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most.  Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at.  It is no laughing matter.

As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’.  Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place.  I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.

Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman.  Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways.  We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication.  It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children.  There must be something wrong with me, we think.  Why is my body no good at nurturing life?

“We are never having any more.”  The words they sting.  They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good.  I am no good at this thing called motherhood.  I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life.  If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.

I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea.  I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child.  I fight sickness and SVT and SPD.  I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash.  He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months.   No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world.  Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two.  But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams.  I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.

I cannot change my husband’s mind.  I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me.  I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it.  All I can do is pray.  Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally.  Pray for affirmation of who I am.  Pray for understanding.  Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy.  Pray for a miracle.

When Life Disappoints

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Before becoming pregnant, I signed up to do a Diploma in Reflexology.  I had seen great improvements in my health regarding my endometriosis etc and as my parents suffer from many health issues, I wanted a way to help alleviate some of their pain with the possibility of setting up my own clinic in the future.  After joining, I then discovered that I was pregnant and as the Hyperemesis got progressively worse, by December I had to step out of the course.  I had done all the coursework up to this point and lots of practicals as well.  I discussed the situation with my tutor and left with the promises that all the work I had done already would still count, and I could just rejoin the course in December where I left off, and that I wouldn’t have to pay a penny more than the fees for the year 2011-2012.

Since leaving, he has decided to switch awarding bodies, as the body he was with are no longer awarding to the same level.  This was fine as in February he still told me that my work done already would count and he was still upholding the agreement that I wouldn’t have to pay any more money despite having to be registered with a new awarding body.  I emailed him about coursework in June and disappointment one came: he replied to say not to do anymore coursework as some of it would count, but some of it wouldn’t, and that I would have to pay another fee to be registered with the new awarding body.  I then saw there were 5 extra lessons and so started to think, well how am I going to just “slot back in” in December where I left off?  My husband and I were in the middle of deciding what to do about the whole situation, and today I got another email stating that I’d have to attend ALL classes again, redo ALL course work and pay this fee.

Now, I was struggling with the fact that I would have to leave my baby girl for a whole day every 3 weeks come December, but from September would just break my heart.  This is why I asked and reasked if I would be able to just come back at the point where I had to stop.    I also don’t know how I would find the time to do all the course work again, as it took me forever when I didn’t have a child to care for 24/7 and could devote whole days to doing it.  So, we are left with a situation where I feel I can no longer continue on with my training and now need to try and get money back for his breeching the contract he made with me 😦  I hate confrontation, and I know that ultimately I stand to lose a lot of money….money that we could do with having back right now!

Disappointed? Yes

Upset? Yes

Annoyed? Very

But I know that even in all this God has something good for me.  If I can’t continue on and have to drop out and if I lose all the money I have paid, there will be a reason even if I don’t know why this side of eternity, and God only shuts doors when He has something better He wants to give.  We just have to be patient and be still instead of trying to batter down the closed door.  So, I will take my upset and disappointment to Him and leave it there and await His answer to all this trusting that He has something great in store for me, and he has plans to prosper me and not to hurt me (Jeremiah 20:11).

How do you cope with life’s disappointments?

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day 2012

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Hyperemesis Gravidarum Awareness Day 2012

HG Awareness Day-it’s not just morning sickness!

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Spread The Word

So, May 15th 2012 is the first annual international Hyperemesis Gravidarum awareness day sponsored by the HER Foundation.  All I can say is about time too!!!  This needs to get some serious global awareness!!  It angers me how I was treated during my pregnancy by doctors and other medical professionals who weren’t clued up about HG.  Reluctantly at around 7 weeks they gave me medication to try and stop me being sick after I landed at A and E, but I had to try various forms of the anti sickness medication and none of them were great, and even with them I was still violently sick every day.  Still they refused to recognise that I actually had HG until 18 weeks, and just kept saying it was morning sickness…despite the fact I was bedridden the whole time and needed help to just go to the bathroom!  That was the frustrating part, coming up against people who were supposed to be able to help you but who just didn’t have a clue and the only response they could give was, “It’ll be gone by week x.”  HG caused all sorts of other medical problems throughout my pregnancy as well as leaving me angry, resentful and very lonely.  I had to miss so many events because of it, we couldn’t plan to go anywhere as I never knew from day to day how severe it would be, and it was awful having the worry of what effect all this medication coupled with either no food, or a mashed potato diet for months on end would do to my unborn child.

Also, due to lack of awareness, I had no idea that after the birth I would still be suffering from this condition!!  I mentioned to my GP that I was still continually nauseated and also vomiting and was met with a blank stare and no solutions as to what it could be.  I had to do my own research which is how I discovered the HER Foundation in the first place and where I discovered that it could take up to 2 years post partum to fully recover.  People need to be made aware, families need to be made aware of this debilitating and at times fatal condition so the signs can be picked up sooner and more women helped quicker instead if it just being put down to morning sickness, those in the medical profession need to be more aware of what HG actually is, and how they can help people quicker both during the pregnancy and during the recovery period.  I hope this first annual world HG  Awareness Day is the start of great things.  It could help all the women in your life and their unborn babies if they have a better understanding of HG and are able to obtain better medical care and more understanding from those around than I ever did.  Afterall, forewarned is forearmed!!