Tag Archives: pregnancy

Our Rainbow Came To Join Us

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So, our rainbow baby has arrived, and she’s now almost 3 months old, but better late than never to record the birth story ūüôā ¬†From the beginning my envisaged birth was a water birth at home with just my husband and eldest daughter present. ¬†I awoke at 4am on the morning of her birth with a knowing feeling that it would be the day. ¬†Once again, it was a weekend, so Mr P was at home. ¬† We went about our day. ¬†Miss E was rather tired, so she went for a nap and we stayed home from church. ¬†I lay in bed most of the morning. ¬†Around 10:30 am I got the odd surge but they averaged about 2-3 an hour from then. ¬†At 11:30 am, I came downstairs to tell Mr P it was time to fill the pool as we would be having the baby that day. ¬†He was rather dubious due to the fact I was extremely calm and didn’t seem to be in labour, but he did as instructed. ¬†By lunchtime I decided it was the right time to call my reflexologist for a treatment. ¬†She arrived around 1:45pm and gave me a treatment. ¬†Things were still very chilled out at this point. ¬†She left again about 3pm saying to go lie down and rest and she felt by 10pm the baby would be here. ¬†After she left, I told Mr P that I didn’t think it was going to take that long and I thought by 7pm baby would be here and Miss E would still be up. ¬†I went to lie down as I felt quite tired. ¬†Through this time Mr P and Miss E had gone to the shops for something we were out of, sorted our dinner which was cooking and smelling delicious and picked blackberries from the garden. ¬†By 4pm, I couldn’t lie down anymore as my body was telling me to stay upright, so I paced around the upstairs listening to some music, swaying back and forth while Miss E and Mr P played in the garden. ¬†Mr P came in around 4:40pm to get the rest of dinner ready. ¬†I told him I was ¬†heading to the shower for some heat therapy as my back was a little painful then. ¬†By now the surges had been coming quickly for an hour, so I knew we had hit active labour stage, but everything was still very calm. ¬†I came downstairs at 5pm in time for dinner, and Miss E had hurt herself, so I gave her a cuddle. ¬†When I set her down again and stood up, I had one very sharp intense pain, and I said to Mr P that it was time for me to get in the pool and to bring me dinner after he and Miss E were finished. ¬†So while they ate, I breathed in my essential oils and listened to my music. ¬†He brought me my dinner and I was so looking forward to eating that lamb curry, but as soon as I had the plate in my hand the intensity of the contractions increased and they came one on top of another, so i never got to eat more than 3 bites, as every time I tried to eat a mouthful, I’d have to hand everything back to Mr P so I could sway in the water. ¬†I gave up in the end and asked him to start the cd again, get more oils in my burner, and also to remain by the pool. ¬†Miss E was also there. ¬†About 6pm, I had 5 intense surges that made me cry a little and think I couldn’t do anymore without relying on some gas and air and only one person could get me that; and my dreams of my unassisted birth seemed to be slipping away, so, feeling rather defeated, I asked Mr P to call for the midwife. ¬†I now know those 5 surges and little cry was my transition phase. ¬†While Mr P was on the phone I knew the baby was coming and would be born as I had always envisaged. ¬†At 6:16pm, surrounded by the love of her closest family and born into an environment of peace, calm, safety, and familiarity, Miss K entered the world easily weighing a healthy 10 lb 1, and I delivered her and lifted her from the water myself. ¬†Nothing can describe the feeling of birthing your child alone and being the first to lay hands on them. ¬†It was the most natural experience and just as nature intended. ¬†I also gave my firstborn the gift I so wanted to bestow upon her; the gift of seeing firsthand that birth is a natural and normal occurrence, not a medical procedure, and when you focus on the right things, surges are not painful, your body relaxes and births can be an enjoyable and empowering experience. ¬†I have thoroughly enjoyed both my births, and I am so thankful to God to have been in much better health this time round and to have learned so much from both births. ¬†Hopefully, I can put what I have learned to good use in future. ¬†I praise God for the safe arrival of Miss K to our family, and for the wonderful gifts she will bring to our family as she grows and reveals more of who she is.

 

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It’s Been a Long Time Coming!

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Well, I have waited nearly 4 years for this day to arrive, and it is finally here.  Our house is on the market!!  I am so excited that we have arrived at that point, and also slightly nervous.  Will we get any viewings?Will our house sell?  When will it sell?  So many unknowns!  Praise God, he knows the answers to them all.

This isn’t the way we had planned this. ¬†Our deadline had always been to have the house on the market by April and not be spending another summer here, but we didn’t factor in that I would be pregnant and sick again for a lot of the time we have had to get the house ready for selling. ¬†Nor did we think we would have to be finding a new home and moving in the third trimester of a pregnancy, but a simple life would be a boring life, right?! ¬†ūüôā ¬†So, here we are, with a few short weeks left to sell a house, find a house, buy a house, move house, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax before this baby makes an entry to the world ūüôā

I am really looking forward to our new start wherever that may take us and our new family life as this rainbow baby comes to join us.

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Growing Nicely

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I am a good bit over the halfway mark now in this pregnancy (if baby decides to come when it has been estimated to arrive).  Baby is doing well and growing as expected.  The vomiting has mostly stopped now hurrah!   I am so thankful, as it means that, this time, unlike with Miss E, I am able to feel excited about the baby inside instead of just wishing away the days until I could be done and feel well again.

I am also thankful that this time around we are able to get osteopathic treatment for my SPD so I can avoid ending up in various braces and walk without the support of crutches.   It has made such a difference to my life especially with needing to care for Miss E and ensure that she can still get to see her friends weekly.

My latest issue is the fact that I am not sleeping well at all which is affecting my SVT some days. ¬†I either can’t get to sleep due to baby having a party in my womb, my legs being agitated, my brain buzzing, heartburn etc, or I get woken up by something and then I cannot get back to sleep. ¬†Exhaustion makes you do weird things like put items in cupboards that should be in the fridge or leave the oven on for hours after you have eaten what you had in there, and I have now officially banned myself from cooking rice until this baby is born as in the last week, I have burned it twice due to being so tired I’ve forgotten it’s even cooking, argh! ¬†Oh the joys of the pregnancy journey ūüôā

I really cannot believe how fast this pregnancy and year are flying by.  How did we get to April already?!?!  I have so much to cram into a very short space of time, like ensuring I take Miss E on a few special days out just the two of us now I am feeling somewhat better, getting our house on the market in the next 2 weeks and sold ASAP so we can get moving before baby arrives, and there are a few things I want to make for baby as well.  Time, please slow down for just a little while!

We Are Never Having Any More

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The words, they hit my heart like a freight truck and they rip it wide open each and every time. ¬†I’ve heard it said to others in front of me as well as directly to me. ¬†In front of others, I smile and laugh, because really the world would very much agree with those words, even if they didn’t have the struggles I have had and am having to bring life into this world. ¬†Children are perceived as a burden to be limited to one, two at the most. ¬†Alone, however, they are a wound too deep, too raw to ignore and laugh at. ¬†It is no laughing matter.

As a teenage girl, my only dream was to bring forth life into this world and my heart saw many beautiful little souls calling me, ‘Mama’. ¬†Nothing else mattered to me, not fame, not success, not a career, not money, for, when I am at the end of my days those things aren’t going to keep me company, nor are those things going to make this world a brighter, more beautiful place. ¬†I have battled fertility issues to get to where I am today, fighting every day to bring another child into this world.

Fertility issues and hyperemesis already eat away at my confidence as a woman. ¬†Pregnancy and bringing forth life into this world are two of the most natural parts of womanhood, or so we assume, and yet so many of us suffer from the feeling that our bodies are somehow inadequate, a failure in many ways. ¬†We cannot get pregnant, or, if we do, we are literally fighting daily for our life and that of our unborn child as we hit complication after complication. ¬†It isn’t helped by those around us falling pregnant seemingly easily, or breezing through text book pregnancies with multiple children. ¬†There must be something wrong with me, we think. ¬†Why is my body no good at nurturing life?

“We are never having any more.” ¬†The words they sting. ¬†They rub tons of salt onto that gaping hole of inadequacy and confirm all my fears and beliefs that I am no good. ¬†I am no good at this thing called motherhood. ¬†I am no good at the very thing that sets me apart from a man; my ability to grow and nurture another life. ¬†If even my husband has no confidence in me to go through this again, then I am clearly no good.

I can fully understand why he feels that having more is not a good idea. ¬†I battle daily to care for my daughter, to care for myself and give the best to my unborn child. ¬†I fight sickness and SVT and SPD. ¬†I have legs that are on fire caused by some unknown burning, itching rash. ¬†He had to witness me haemorrhaging after the birth of our first child, and see me collapse twice and have swarms of medical professionals rush into the room, and be ill and bedridden for most of her first six months. ¬† No, it isn’t easy for me to bear children, and I am very blessed to have carried three, and hopefully soon to deliver a second into this world. ¬†Maybe we won’t be blessed with another, and that is fine, I am truly beyond happy with two. ¬†But to have someone take away my choice, without giving a second thought to how I feel, as they can’t cope with me being so ill is such a blow to who I am as a woman; to my confidence; to my dreams. ¬†I have already sacrificed so much to get to where I am; please don’t take my dreams as well.

I cannot change my husband’s mind. ¬†I cannot make him understand how it feels to be me and why it is so important to me. ¬†I cannot guarantee him that I will be any different or any more capable of carrying another child problem free even if he were to consider it. ¬†All I can do is pray. ¬†Pray for healing, not just physically, but emotionally. ¬†Pray for affirmation of who I am. ¬†Pray for understanding. ¬†Pray for grace to get through each and every day I have left of this pregnancy. ¬†Pray for a miracle.

Rainbows

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Happy New Year, even though it is already 16 days old ūüôā ¬†Every new year brings its own set of changes, joys, and challenges. ¬†This year our big change is that our family is due to expand. ¬†We found out in November that we are expecting a summer rainbow baby! ¬†We are thrilled and delighted and Miss E seems very excited about the arrival of “our baby”. ¬†So far things with the baby seem well, but, as with Miss E¬†,I am finding this pregnancy a challenge and taxing on my health. ¬†Thankfully this time around I have the help of a homeopath on board which I didn’t have for Miss E, and through the Candida treatment, I have been able to, for the most part, say good bye to the awful Hyperemesis and leave being sick in the first trimester. ¬†Makes me wish I’d known I had Candida troubles a long time ago as my pregnancy with Miss E may have been very different. ¬†I am, however, still having problems with my heart this time which is rather concerning.

Part way through my pregnancy with Miss E I developed Supraventricular Tachycardia or SVT causing black outs and difficulty breathing and many trips to hospital. ¬†They were unsure then whether or not I had always had an irregular heartbeat and the stress of the pregnancy had just exasperated it or whether it was because of the repeated violent vomiting due to the hyperemesis. ¬†In any case, they were adamant it would return to normal once Miss E was born, and despite us asking for a referral to a cardiologist more than 6 weeks after she was born because it was still horrendous they said it’d be fine. ¬†It never ever went back to “normal” but it became bearable. ¬†Now, however, as this pregnancy progresses it is getting worse again with each week that goes by. ¬†I have been blessed this time with a midwife who is also a cardiology nurse and has dealt with mothers with SVT in pregnancy so that helps to allay my fears that this time when it gets really bad I have someone who has more understanding! ¬†last time when I went to the GP initially about it because I was so concerned, I was told it was a UTI and prescribed antibiotics?!!?!

Anyway, I am hoping that I am blessed with good health for the remaining months of this pregnancy so I can enjoy the last little while of it being just Miss E and me before we welcome this new little one into our lives.

Miscarriage Hurts

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It’s been 6 months; 6 whole months. ¬†Shouldn’t it get easier? ¬†Yet, somehow this month is even more painful. ¬†My body feels empty. ¬†I should be watching it grow and change, but instead there is nothing but emptiness and longing. ¬†Month after month goes by and no new life has come to soothe the heartache, to put a salve on the wounds by bringing a new joy to our life.

Our family is incomplete. ¬†People ask of me, “Is this your only child?”, referring to Miss E. ¬†I respond with a yes, because it would be too much for me to tell them that no, there is an angel in heaven that belongs to our family whom we never had the chance to meet properly. ¬†But people would never understand, for I get the impression that unless a life has fully entered the world it is considered a sub-life and, therefore, my loss shouldn’t be as great or as painful as if I had laid eyes on this child and then it were to leave me. ¬†But a mother doesn’t need to see the child to feel the love. ¬†The knowing that she carried that soul for however brief a period is enough to fuel a love so strong that even time doesn’t diminish its intensity.

Time marches on, life keeps going and I keep moving along with it, but the passing of time cannot make a mother’s heart forget, and today the memory and the loss is exceptionally raw and painful.

Please Forgive Me

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Dearest Daughter,

Recently, I have been doing a lot of soul searching, a lot of praying.  There have been some areas of our relationship that could be better, areas of your behaviour that seem to have been getting progressively worse, and I had no answers as to how to fix them.  There is only one thing to do in such situations and that is to pray for wisdom and understanding.  I realised in these times, that my behaviour and feelings have a huge effect on you.  I learned that I should first look inward to see if there is anything I need to change before expecting you to change or thinking the issues we are facing are in anyway separated from me.  And as I looked inward I saw a lot of stuff that needed to be cleansed from my life, dealt with and shipped out of there.  I saw a woman who was filled with resentment for the terrible pregnancy and the fact it so impeded me from bonding with you, resentment for the ill health for months after that stopped me from doing much more than feeding you and caring for your basic needs again hindering bonding, resentment for the fact that just when it looked like your daddy and me were getting a break from all the stress we had gone through from the start of our marriage and could look at reconnecting the pregnancy came and took that away.

 

I love you with all my heart, I truly do. ¬†There was, however, this huge wall to break down. ¬†Now that I have faced the problem and am tackling it, our days are much smoother, and that crazy behaviour you have always displayed that drove me near insanity? ¬†It’s pretty much gone ūüôā ¬†Amazing, huh? ¬†I am so so sorry it has taken me 15 months to sort myself out in the inner self. ¬†I am sorry this resentment has lived in there further blocking us from having a free and open relationship. ¬†I am sorry you have missed out on so much due to the fact I have been so ill. ¬†I am sorry that we did not get to connect while you were on the inside. ¬†I will never understand why things were how they were, but I cannot change the past. ¬†All I can do is ensure the present and future are beautiful as possible. ¬†I can leave that past hurt, frustration and resentment behind, walking through the door that leads us into a more loving, gentler way of being together.

 

Please forgive me for my shortcomings as a woman and as your mother.  Please forgive me for the frustration I threw your way due to the fact I had not taken a long hard look inside my own heart and soul.  Please forgive me.

I love you, little one.  I am thankful for the gift of you in my life.  I am thankful for the changes your presence has caused. I am thankful for your love for me.  I am thankful for the lessons you teach me, and I will strive all my days to be a better mother for you.

 

All my love and sincere apologies,

Mummy xxx