Sorry I Wasn’t There

My Sweet Baby Girl,

The other night I went out to a Christmas craft evening.  This is one of the handful of times in your 21 months that I have ever left you in an evening to go to such an event.  Unfortunately, it was the same night those nasty molars decided to wake you up.  You were inconsolable and Daddy wasn’t good enough for you.  All you wanted was your Mummy, and she wasn’t there.  I was so upset to hear you had been in such a state and in such pain when I got in that I desperately wanted to go and wake you so you would know that I was home and there for you.  You woke by yourself again anyway and called for me.  That was it; you were my little leech for the evening.  You wouldn’t stay in your own room as you wanted to make sure I was still there.  I brought you into to bed with me  thinking you would sleep, but you stayed wide awake holding my hand, touching my face, laying your head on mine and making sure that if I moved even an inch it wasn’t to leave you.

It was so sad, and poignant as well, because there will be a day when Mama won’t be there with you.  There will be a day when you have to go this life on your own without my comfort and without my support.  I wish I could be with you always to soothe away life’s pain and troubles.  I wish that every time you reach out your hand for mine you would feel mine clasp yours tightly in return.  I wish you could always here the words, “shh now, I’m here it’s ok.”  I am sorry that one day I will have to go and leave you with a mother’s comforting embrace to blaze your trail in this world.  And I am sorry that on a night when you did need me and I am still with you that I wasn’t there.

 

All my love to you my sweet girl.

Mummy xxx

A Special Day

Dear Miss E,

Yesterday was a special day, for yesterday we walked A Mile In Memory Of Matilda Mae to raise money for The Lullaby Trust.  We travelled down from Nottinghamshire on the Friday night.  You didn’t appreciate being woken up twice from your sleep, but you were such a good soul and you did ever so well.  When you got woken up the second time, we were at our hotel, so that perked you up immensely. You enjoyed exploring, eating the cookies that were in the room, and you loved your really big bed.  Your found it great fun that Mummy and Daddy were once again in the same room as you and you sat up chattering away excitedly for ages before lying down to sleep.

mmm-cookies!

a special big bed

In the morning you woke up bright an early, full of life ready for the special day we were going to have.  You decided that you needed a lot of energy for the walk and you ate a croissant, a bowl of muesli with a pot of yoghurt, a sausage, some bacon and a slice of toast!  You always eat a lot for breakfast, but never that much!

 

waking up with a sile

 

stocking up on food

 

After breakfast, we set off to travel the remainder of the way to the Rare Breed Centre.  On the way the weather was dull and rainy and Mummy prayed that it would brighten up for Matilda Mae’s special walk.  It did.  By the time we got to the Rare Breed Centre the rain had stopped and the sun had popped out to say hello.  We walked the mile with Matilda’s family and lots of other people who had also come to support them and to raise money for The Lullaby Trust.  It was a beautiful, peaceful walk with the most gorgeous carpet of bluebells standing proud and spreading their sweet fragance on earth in honour of a beautiful little girl.  Halfway along the walk we got some packets of forget me not seeds.  We will plant these in pots eitherside of the front door and elsewhere in the garden and when they bloom we will talk about and remember Matilda Mae.

 

pink and purple balloons at the start/finish line

 

stopping by the star

 

walking with lots of other people in memory of Matilda Mae

 

the gorgeous bluebell carpet

 

 

 

 

You won’t be forgotten Matilda Mae

 

Once back at the marquee, there was entertainment for children, gorgeous violin music playing and bubbles being blown into the sky for Matilda.  There was also the singing of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  You enjoyed the activities laid on by Jumping Beans and crawling on the grass.  We also had a look around the centre at the animals, watched a falconry display (you were sleeping at that point) and watched some pig racing (pigs run fast!!).  It was a beautiful day, but we never forgot the real reason we were there.  You don’t yet understand the full significance of yesterday, but as you grow up we will remember Matilda Mae; we will talk about the impact her beautiful little life has had; we will pray for her family as we do now; we will blow bubbles for her as we do now; we will go back to the centre and do the walk again, and one day, if God chooses, you will get to experience the love of a mother for her child and the special bond that comes with it and you will fully appreciate why we chose to go on this walk and help raise money for The Lullaby Trust to help them try and find a way to stop SIDS.  No mummy should ever have to be without her baby.

 

 

 

blowing bubbles for Matilda

 

bubbles floating up to heaven x

 

 

All my love,

Mummy xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello And Good Bye

Dear One Who Was Never Meant To Be,

Today we said hello and good bye all in one breath.  I had already said hello to you some time ago.  I think sometimes a mummy just knows without any tests that there’s new life within.  It was the same with your sister, and it was the same with you.  I never got to the joy of seeing two lines appear on a test to confirm.  On Saturday I knew something wasn’t right inside.  I went for my homeopathic treatment which seemed to make it all worse(I regret ever going, I wish I had let Daddy cancel it.  Maybe you would still be alive?  I don’t know.  I will never know this side of heaven).  From Sunday on, the pain and bleeding have been excrutiating and progressively worse.  Last night I knew there was some horribly wrong with all this, and this morning it was decided that I should go see the Dr.  We went and after examinations and a brief history of the happenings the hospital was called.  They thought at first that it was possibly an ectopic pregnancy, but all tests came back negative, so they have told me that you existed but died and what I am suffering is a miscarriage.  I knew already somewhere, somehow, I knew, but hearing the words out loud hurt.  Why could it not have had some other cause and reason?  But no, miscarriage is the diagnosis.  You weren’t very old, but it still hurts.  It hurts that I will never feel you growing and moving inside.  It hurts that I will never feel the joy and immense love that comes with seeing your face for the first time.  It all hurts, physically, emotionally, mentally.  All I am left with is pain.  You may only have been tiny, and to a lot of people at this stage they may think you didn’t really matter, that you are insignificant, just a lump of tissue.  But you matter to me, you are significant to me, you are loved by me.

I take comfort in the fact that you are in heaven, you will never experience pain, hurt, sickness, anger, fear.  You will never shed a tear.  I know you will love it there, and I know one day we will meet.  I look forward to that day, but I will miss you while I live here, Dear Child That Was Never Meant To Be.  I will wonder at what you would have been.  Life will carry on, and I will move on, but a part of me will forever be in heaven with you.  I love you and I never had the chance to meet you.  I will savour these moments with you as you leave me however painfilled and horrible they are; they are what we have together as mother and child; all that we have been afforded for now.

On Mother’s Day, this Sunday, I will be thankful for your sister and for her making me a Mummy, but I will also be thankful for the brief time we had together, and mourn the times we will not spend together here on earth.  Good bye my Angel Baby.

 

Mummy xxx

Things That Make My Mummy’s Heart Glad

My daughter’s laugh

Her toothless grin that lights up her whole face and the entire room

Her constant babble

Her sleepy little self as she snuggles in my arms with her nighttime comforter

Watching as my little one discovers new things, such as her own reflection in the mirror, or how to turn herself around in her jumperoo

The way she lifts her chubby little legs up for the dogs to lick the soles of her feet

How much she loves her daddy and how much he loves her

All these little things and more remind me that, no matter what else is happening, I am truly blessed to have the joy and honour of raising this little girl and the love of a good man in my life.  Thank you Lord.